the little green family

Things keeping me busy

2012-02-01T23:25:00.001-05:00

A different kind of post from lately!

These are some of the things that have kept me busy lately. Kids and house projects. The girls keep me on my toes and keep me thankful. Bella has such a sweet heart and loves to tell me that she loves me, all the time! It never gets old :) And she must be teaching Farrah her ways because today, Farrah said to me, "You're my best friend!"

Dress-up inside!

Lots of "crafts" as Bella calls anything involving crayons or markers. Farrah is getting into this now, too! It's fun when activities start holding their attention a little longer. She is so proud - she can draw circles, the letter "F" and the letter "A"!

It has been soooo beautiful outside the past couple of days!! We've had bike races, picnic lunches and learning ways to crack pecans without a nut cracker! (I finally bought one today because we have so many pecans in the yard!!)

While at Lowe's, the girls have discovered the fun bathroom section. They should have this be the babysitting area while mom's and dad's shop...

Chris and I painted a bathroom one night this weekend. It's the only room we've never painted since we moved here five years ago!!! My sister, mom and I painted the girls' room last week. I should say, we painted it back to how it was two years ago... exactly the same way. We girls like pink in the Green household! :)

And lastly, we've been working on actually printing out some pictures that Chris takes. It's hard to remember to do that, you know?!? And before you know it... you have a gazillion pictures and they are all digital and nothing on the walls! I combined a bunch of frames with the beautiful canvas that Christy Martin took of our family. Now, I just need to fill up the frames! So... you can see what the collage wall looks like, but the frames are almost all empty. But you get the idea!

And, the only reason this room is clean is because it doesn't get used very much right now. Please don't make me take pictures of any other room, then you'll see how real life is around here! :) :)

But hey - "real life" is messy, unorganized, unplanned, unexpected things stop working (like our stove for a few days!), and a work in progress. And real life isn't always happy, we don't all get along, I anger too fast at my kids and the checklist of things to do just gets longer. But when my kids go to bed and I look at these pictures, or remember that I did a cartwheel in the yard just for a laugh or the fact that Bella worked all day at getting us to "pretend to be in a marching band!" I realize real life ain't too bad. If it were only all cartwheels and no to-do lists, we'd be set! But for real - we've had a hard year. And I'm so thankful that I can see what we do have and feel blessed. Because we are.

Prayers for Dalton!

2012-01-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

Dalton is on his way! Kara is getting induced today. Please say a prayer for them. This is Kara's first delivery! I am excited for them to meet their little boy but I know she's having soooo many emotions right now. We love you already Dalton.

Thank you!!!

These days

2012-01-28T00:10:00.001-05:00

This month I've had so much help. Thank you for the meals, the house cleaning, and for Bella and Farrah's wonderful teachers that provide such a cool environment for them. The girls have been going to "school" almost the whole month. (Minus some sick days last week). I was hesitant about this at first, because what was I going to do by myself all month??!? My girls are my "job!" And I love my job. But Chris & friends kept reminding me to take time to physically heal and just take advantage of the time alone while I have it. I guess a month in the scheme of things isn't that long. Even though I have missed them! But I've enjoyed doing some house projects, a few lunches, starting a new women's study and napping. :)

What I didn't do until this week was start to get my head back in the game. I'm still kinda floating at times it seems. Not so much sad, just floating. So I appreciate not having to do as much of my "job" lately - I haven't cooked, deep cleaned much, etc. It's amazing with all of that being done for me- that I can still feel "busy." My body isn't always moving, but my mind is always racing.

I'm doing well, though. I want you to know that. I think I'll always have a part of my heart missing. There are times when I go through short times of anger or longer times of sadness. It will come out of nowhere, of course, just like you hear grief does. For example, I passed by my beta fish "Goldielocks" last week and found myself angry. Angry that this stupid fish has been around way longer than beta fish are suppose to be around. Why that fish is living and why my daughter isn't doesn't make since to me. It's not fair. But life isn't fair. But God is bigger than the fish and bigger than Hallie and bigger than me. And I think that the fact that I can say that and have faith that our God is BIG is what protects my heart in so many ways.

Honestly, like I've mentioned many times before - I have always been afraid of losing a child or a loved one and wondering how I'd ever survive!! I didn't think I could. (Like, this was a fear that would keep me up some nights.) Fear like this is not from God, by the way. So the fact that I've actually survived and doing alright is even astonishing to me sometimes. Because I never had faith that I could make it, much less that God would carry me through it. I can't believe I am ok. But the fact is, I survived. And so I know in my own heart that I didn't get through this alone. Because I know left to my own devices, I could not have. I feel like God is so much more real to me after going through this. God not only got me through it, but blessed me so much in the process. (Weird to say I feel blessed, I know! But it's how I feel and I'm so glad I am able to say that.)

I also pleaded with and told God early on in finding out about Hallie having Trisomy 13 (at 14 weeks) that I "could handle a miscarriage right now, but please don't take me all the way to the end of this pregnancy only to loose a baby!!" Of course that changed around about 18 weeks maybe... when I could feel life moving around in me. Then it became, "Oh God, please let me make it to the end of this pregnancy and let me meet her!!" And although I am extremely thankful that I was able to meet Hallie and hold her, I also have to remind myself that He still would be good if I hadn't gotten to. That kinda rocks my world when I think about it. There are plenty of women who don't get time with their babies. Or there are women who get many more days with their babies than I got. When you lose a baby, no time is ever really enough.

There just IS a peace that surpasses all understanding. I intimately know that to be true now.

Please keep Kara and Jonathan in your prayers this weekend as they get ready to welcome baby Dalton into the world on Monday!! I am excited for her to meet her first born; her sweet baby boy.

Sisters

2012-01-19T14:47:00.000-05:00

Many people ask me how Farrah and Bella are doing (since Hallie). Thank you for asking! I thought I'd write and tell you that they are doing well. And, this gives me a chance to post a couple of pictures of them with Hallie.

Bella is doing great. The morning after Hallie died (and can I say that that word is hard to say... but "passed" doesn't feel right either... I don't know when I'll get used to saying either of those words)... anyway... the next morning, Bella came bouncing in our room as usual and looked in the bed between Chris and I for Hallie. She asked, "Where is Hallie?" Once I told her that Hallie had died, she said, "Already?" (She knew from previous talks that this would happen.) Chris said, "Yes baby, but she's with God." and almost before he could finish that statement, Bella says "I know!" sweetly but also matter-of-fact and bounced right back out of the room. She's since asked a few questions, but overall her heart has been protected from much of it. She knows it's ok to see us sad and she feels comfortable asking questions. But mainly, Bella and Farrah are just great medicine for her parents!

Bella was so sweet with Hallie. She's always been a "little mommy." She asked to hold her and feed her so often. I wish she could have done it more, really. But she was always around. She watched with curiosity as Chris and I listened with a stethoscope to make sure her feeding tube was in her tummy. Then we'd fill up the bottle and hold it up, or let Bella hold it, to let Hallie be fed through the tube. Chris even brought home the girls their own yellow stethoscopes.

This picture is the morning of the 23rd. The only "morning" we had at home with Hallie. It was a pretty calm morning compared to the night before. Almost like a normal morning here in the house, except with a precious addition to the family. Bella was holding Hallie with my mom beside her. I asked her if she wanted to sing to her. She sang "Jesus loves me" in the sweetest, softest voice. (a different version of the song that has "hallelujah" in it...perfect.)

Farrah knows Hallie's picture and I encourage her to say her name as much as possible. I don't think she'll remember Hallie really, but I do want her to know her name and be comfortable asking questions when she is ready.

When we arrived home from the hospital Thursday night, it was a little crazy at the house. Well, maybe not, but it felt like it. We drove home at rush hour in a torrential downpour AND through Christmas mall traffic. At the first cry that Hallie let out... I was holding her. Yes, I held her all the way home. There was no way I was going to let her be in distress and not able to breathe good ... and I couldn't sufficiently comfort her with my c-section by leaning over the carseat. She was so small in there I couldn't get to her. So I held her. And it was great. (I told you she was held her entire life!!) :) Not to worry, traffic was literally NOT MOVING. It was pouring out and Chris and I rode almost in silence the whole way home. It was VERY hard to leave the hospital with the nurses that had become like family. To hug all of their necks as each of their shifts ended. To be putting Hallie in a carseat knowing it would probably be the only time I would get to do so. It was such a whirlwind of a day/night (or really, 5 days!) But we didn't know what the future held - we were still in awe that we were getting to bring her home! It is what I ultimately really wanted and I was thankful for that, even though I was really sad, too. Crazy how I could feel such big and different emotions simultaneously!

When we arrived home, we surprised the girls who were with GG. They didn't know we were coming home yet (or that Santa was going to be coming that night, either!) We quickly had to jump in and learn how to use our oxygen machine from the hospice equipment guy that was there. Then it was time for another feeding.

During a quiet moment after that, Farrah walked up and gave Hallie a little doll. Such a quick but sweet moment.

... there will always be a sister missing. We love you and miss you, Hallie!

Hallie's Memorial Video

2012-01-17T20:32:00.001-05:00

Here is Hallie's memorial from January 7th - for those of you who could not attend and for those of you who want to hear the awesome music from our friends again.

So many emotions come in seeing this for me -- the service was just so nice and was such a good healing thing. I love ALL of the music and I will treasure the video at the beginning forever. But it also makes me miss Hallie - seeing her move around and in my arms. It was so real when she was here and it feels so weird to be moving on - day by day, week by week without her.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of those who helped make this service so excellent for us. It means so much.

Doing well

2012-01-15T21:06:00.002-05:00

I've sat down to write several times but not sure what to say. At least with my "weekly pregnancy updates" I had categories to fill out and something to go by. There is no handbook on how to go through grief or a loss. Well, I guess there are books... but no one certain way to go through it nor the abliity to know how you are going to handle it yourself.

Because, like I've said several times, I thought I would SURELY fall over and die if I were to go through a big loss such as this. So there have been times when I was perplexed at why I am OK. I'm not totally fine all the time, but for the most part (like 95% of the time!) I function just fine and can laugh, carry on conversations like normal, and enjoy life.

One of the reasons why I thought I was doing well is that I have been in safe groups. Everywhere I've gone, I've been around people that already know our story. So not only do I know that these people have been praying for us, but I also don't have new people asking me "So.. how many kids do you have" or those hard questions. Meghan said it so well in this post. I have read this a few times and thought, "This is so true!" Especially the part about being out and about and you don't understand why people don't see that you're not a whole person; that a part of you is missing.

Some of the other local women I've met through my pregnancy who are walking the same "Trisomy" road got together last night (and the husbands this time!) It's so nice to be with people who just get it. I know I've said that before, but it's so true. These women are walking right ahead of me or right behind me in this journey and we can easily talk about things that others just don't understand. And we can encourage and help each other. Such a blessing. Kara and Jeannie both have started blogs recently... would you pray for them? They are due with their little boys (Dalton and Porter, respectively) in the next couple of months and could use prayer & all the encouraging words that you all gave me!

Here's a picture of our big group Saturday night! Aren't these some pretty ladies!? Their faith is even more amazing.

I continue to also be so encouraged by Sandra (on the far left) who had her daughter, Holland about 4 months before Hallie. She said something Saturday that I hadn't thought of before. She said for her, it was like Holland was never really hers - like she was God's all along. That it was her job and her joy to carry her and be her mom. That when Holland passed, she was just handing her back to the One who made her. So true!! We are just the lucky moms (and I do mean that, lucky!) to have held angels. (I think Sandra needs to start a blog, because she just says great things!!)

Another thing someone said is that when you lose a baby, it's not so much that you grieve the memories like you with other losses, but you will grieve the milestones of where that baby would be. (For instance, first days of school, first birthdays, etc.) And I see that. Right now, Chris and I find ourselves just feeling like something is missing in our family. Like we "should be" rocking and putting three daughters to bed, not just two. And that hole will never be filled.

Anyways... those are some of my thoughts right now. Know that we are doing pretty well and thank you so so much for the prayers throughout all of this! They have meant so much.

*

Memorial Service Thank You

2012-01-09T22:35:00.001-05:00

Thank you all who came to celebrate Hallie's life with us Saturday! And also thank you to those who couldn't be with us but have been praying for us.

The service was just beautiful. I cannot believe the amount of people who helped make it happen. Chris' friends/co-workers, volunteers, friends... it was so amazing. We felt so loved. Thank you for even making the stage look pink & girly. We will never forget that day. So many friends around. It was healing for both of us. I wish I could have hugged all of your necks!! I got a good bit of hugs in, but I know I missed a bunch of you, too :) The FIRST thing Chris and I did when we got home was go through the guest books and read all of your messages. It just felt good to be so loved on, in so many ways.

I had planned on writing more tonight, but I was distracted and now my brain won't turn back on :) We are doing well and adjusting to our new "normal" ... and I'm trying to wrap my brain around what all Hope From Hallie can do! I do have things I'd love to blog about, so check back soon. We'll also have a video of the service up in a day or two.

I'll leave you with a picture of my sweet baby! I cherish every picture & video I have!!

Santa Comes to Town

2012-01-03T23:01:00.005-05:00

(Chris writing)

Many of you now know about the amazing Santa that visited us from Bass Pro Shop to bring Christmas cheer to our family (if not, scroll down the page). Luckily, I had the presence of mind to capture most of the visit. I put a video together, so we can remember it forever.

Enjoy.

Hallie's memorial service & thank you!!

2012-01-02T09:09:00.004-05:00

Hi friends!

We will be having a memorial service on Saturday, January 7, at 10:00am Buckhead Church in the main auditorium. The church is not GPS/mapquest friendly.. so go here for directions: http://www.buckheadchurch.org/directions

Or...you can type "1 Buckhead Loop, Atlanta, GA 30326" into your GPS, and you'll find us.

We love you guys and invite you to join us as we celebrate Hallie's sweet little life.

In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to the charity of your choice, or to Hope from Hallie (see below).

A couple of my friends Rachael and Kelly and Emily set up a Hope for Hallie fund on their blogs when Hallie was first born. They so thoughtfully set it up to help us get a few things to memorialize and remember her by. They also set up Hope for Hallie page on Facebook and you will never know how much that meant to us to see you all posting messages and pictures on there. Some nights, I just go through these posts to see how much you cared for us and Hallie. Little did they expect, because of your generosity, they were going to be given so much in donations. Saying "thank you" to you all seems inadequate.

As I've mentioned, one HUGE encouragement to me through this journey has been other Trisomy and infant loss mothers. They just understand and make me feel normal. What I would love to do is help other families like we were helped. So Hope for Hallie is being turned into Hope from Hallie!! So, thank you all for already helping me carry on Hallie's legacy. I think this is going to be a great way for me to "pay it forward" to other moms, and help me heal at the same time.

My words are not coming out great right now. I miss my sweet girl and it feels weird that she has already been gone longer than she was here with us. I feel like her scent is fading in her baby blanket. But yet I still have a crick in my neck to remind me of her - from basically sitting in the same position for 5 days staring at her. Bittersweet. :) I do look forward to celebrating the impact she had on us at her memorial AND carrying on her memory with Hope from Hallie.

Doing ok

2011-12-29T23:44:00.002-05:00

Hi friends,

We are doing well here. I think the healing process is going be like a roller coaster, much like the pregnancy was, but also different. We have mostly been resting and hanging with out the girls - the best medicine in the world. I am functioning much like normal, except still healing from the c-section. I find I ask myself a lot, "Why am I ok?? I just lost my sweet baby. I should not be ok!!" While pregnant, I imagined myself not leaving the house for at least a month. To not really want to talk to anyone for a while. Goes to show that you can't plan grief. I guess it will come in waves and hit me when I'm least expecting it?

But then I also remember that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. He was not surprised by the number of days Hallie lived. He gave us 4 days, 13 hours and 45 minutes to hold her and soak her in. He was faithful in giving us time we so badly wanted. Why should I be surprised that He hasn't left me now?

The thing I want you to know is that I want to talk about Hallie. I always will. I find myself going through pictures over and over, so that I don't forget a thing about her. She had perfect soft skin and baby smell, a perfect round head, little fuzzy hair like Farrah did as an infant, a cow-lick like Chris, made those cute baby sounds, squeaks and cries, loved for me to rub her head. I sang to her and spoke to her. We realized a couple of days into her being here that she may not have been able to hear. But she knew me, there is no doubt. She calmed down to my touch. She knew her mama.

Right now, the only thing I fear is forgetting all the little things about her. It all happened so fast and with pain medicine from the c-section, and little-to-no sleep, it all feels like a blur in some ways. Like a dream. So, please, do not be afraid to talk about Hallie to Chris or I. She will always be that missing part of our family, and when I talk about her, it helps me remember.

BEAUTIFUL PICTURES of Hallie's arrival!

2011-12-27T00:29:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I haven't posted a link to this yet. I spoke about it, and it was on the "Hope for Hallie" Facebook page, but you have got to see these beautiful pictures that Christy Martin took of our sweet first moments with Hallie. Just click here.

Priceless.

Thank you for ministering to us, Christy.

We continue to be so thankful for all the support and comments. To know that Hallie had so much influence in her 5 days makes us so proud to be her parents. We miss her so much and look forward to figuring out ways to carry on her legacy. Thank you all for the prayers and support.

Hallie Lynn Green - my beautiful daughter

2011-12-24T14:19:00.001-05:00

Thank you so much for praying for us, loving us, feeding us and overwhelming us with support.

We want to let you know that Hallie went to be with Jesus this morning at 12:30am. She was peaceful and in my arms just as I had wanted. Our family was here and we are thankful for so many circumstances like that one that made this journey as good as it could be. We are heartbroken but so thankful for Hallie and every second we got with her. She knew nothing but love!!

Chris, the girls and I will be laying low for the next few days ahead as we rest, remember Hallie together and celebrate Christmas with changed hearts.

Thank you, God, for allowing me to be Hallie's mother. Although losing you, Hallie, is the hardest thing I've ever done, I would carry you and love you all over again in a heartbeat. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world. I love you.

Day Five: Hallie Lynn Green

2011-12-23T16:31:00.011-05:00

(This is Chris. Katie will resume writing soon.)

I can't write a word until I thank all of you who have sent gifts to our house, texted, wrote on the Hope For Hallie Facebook wall, brought meals, and most importantly... prayed for our family and Hallie.

I've got to be honest, when I first saw the signs and hashtags labeled "Hope for Hallie," I was a little nervous. I guess I wanted to make sure people knew what to hope for. The prayers for a miracle of full recovery in Hallie's health have been a braver prayer than I honestly was willing to pray. Probably out of the fear that God might not "fix" her. I also didn't want to assume that Hallie's health was the indicator of God's goodness to us. We've seen God's goodness in so many ways, and greatly through each of you. The bottom line is this: please don't hinge your willingness to believe in God on Hallie's survival.

The reality is, she won't.

I want to follow that horrible sentence with this. Hallie's survival was never our "Hope for Hallie." We knew the day we heard the words "Trisomy 13," Hallie's life would be short, and maybe just hours/days if she survived birth. Our "Hope for Hallie" is that people would see life as a gift, and draw near to God. Based on your comments here, and based on the Facebook wall, I would say: mission accomplished. More people know Hallie's name within the last five days than will know my name throughout my entire life. Please don't feel sorry for Hallie...or us.

We will continue to enjoy every moment we are given with Hallie. We're heartbroken. Extremely heartbroken. We cry...probably hourly. God's purpose for Hallie does not exempt us from the pain of losing her. Don't be misled into thinking we're all laughing and celebrating all of the time.

Hallie is perfectly-made for us. She has a cleft lip and palette, no eyes, and we're pretty sure she's deaf. But she's still perfect to us. Her soul shines through her.

Finally, I'll leave you with a shot taken last night shortly after we arrived home from the hospital. One of our "Hope for Hallie" participants (and later found out, a close family friend) went to Bass Pro Shop to do some family photos with Santa. She was holding a "Hope for Hallie" sign in the photo. Santa asked about it, and was moved by our story. He wanted to help bring some Christmas cheer to our family. And...at 9pm last night, after working a strenuous, all-day schedule, he drove the 30 miles south to our home to make us smile.

This single act of selflessness and love has got to be a top-three moment for me in my life. I would compare it to the "Move that Bus!" Extreme Home Makeover emotion. Incredible. He came with two elves (thanks Kristin and Lauren), and brought gifts for our girls and us, prayed for our family, and then lead us all in "Silent Night." I'll have a video of the girls' reaction up...well...soon. Santa, thank you for honoring our family in such a sacrificial way. (I see God's love all over this.)

Here is Santa loving on Hallie, our Christmas miracle:

Finally, I wanted to show you something all of our family has been able to experience. The trademark of Hallie, and the representation of her message to us. I probably have this same picture with six-eight different people:

Thank you for loving our special daughter.

Day Three: Hallie Lynn Green

2011-12-21T16:29:00.006-05:00

First, let me say that the Hope for Hallie page is murdering us (in a great way). We can't believe how many people are praying for Hallie (and us). We cannot believe the love we're getting from people we know, and the hundreds/thousands that we do not. Thank you.

None of these moments were promised to us, and our hope for Hallie is that we would get to meet her. Mission accomplished. Big time. We are spending some of the sweetest moments with Hallie...all with our family here, too. We didn't plan on the social media community becoming family, too. But you guys are blowing us away with the photos, comments, texts, and notes.

We're treasuring each day we have with her.

Here are a few moments that captured her third birth day:

And here is a quick, peaceful (minus Farrah in the background) few moments of Hallie's life:

Day Two: Hallie Lynn Green

2011-12-20T17:03:00.015-05:00

Hey lovers of Hallie:
Holy moly, being a dad is amazing. We have connected with Hallie in a way we never thought we could. Enjoying every second with her. Here are a few pictures I've taken over the last two days. You deserve being an insider. Thanks for all the love. We cannot thank you enough.

Update!

2011-12-19T16:44:00.004-05:00

Hi! This is Chelsie, Katie's sister, here to update the blog. It's kind of a lot of pressure! Sorry for those who have been tirelessly refreshing the blog page for updates- thankful we have the Hope for Hallie facebook page!

As most of you may know, Hallie Lynn Green is here!! She was born this morning at 10:45am, 4 lbs, 15oz and 18.75 inches long. This makes her exactly 25 months younger than her big sister Farrah Kate! The nurses at the hospital saved the room next to Katie and Chris's for the entire family to hang out and wait. We didn't have to wait long before we got a picture text from Chris and a nurse came by with some sweet pictures of the new Hallie! Chris came and got Bella and Farrah and the new Green family had some private time as a new family of 5. Christy Martin who is with "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep", so graciously came by to snap pictures of the occasion, so Chris could step out from behind the camera. Once the 'Little Green Family' had their private time, the rest of us got to come in and see her.

We knew she would have a cleft palate and lip. We then learned her heartbeat, vitals and breathing looked pretty good. Hallie still has a very long road ahead of her but we are all excited and prayerful. The outpowering of support and prayers has been overwhelming- for Chris and Katie but also for the rest of us. We are all just trying to soak in time with her and each other. Thank you from all of us and we will continue to try to keep people updated.

Katie and Chris- you guys amaze me with each and every step. I know there is a lot you have to learn and a lot you don't quite understand, but you're doing it together and faithfully. I love you.

From Chris' Perspective (get comfy; it's a little longer)

2011-12-17T22:37:00.014-05:00

It’s the night before we finally begin the process of meeting Hallie. I can’t believe we’re already here. I’ve been sitting rather quietly for the last six months regarding Hallie, especially in social media. I tend to speak confidently about the things I (at least think I) fully understand. This has not been one of those things...until now.

I’ve felt a responsibility to be careful about my public thoughts on the pregnancy. I don’t want to mislead people about what it’s really like. Most of us can’t process something like this when asked. We need time, maybe a lot of it. I, nor Katie, are attempting to be awesome, amazing, or even full of faith. Those words have definitely been an encouragement as we look at each other and ask: “we are?”

Let me explain.

When we found out about Hallie having Trisomy 13, I’d never been so knocked off-kilter. I am ashamed to say (in full disclosure), I found myself considering the humane (for us) option doctors seemed to push often: terminating the pregnancy. Although that was a very short-lived emotion, my immediate, horribly weak response in desperation was to control the outcome of the pregnancy, even if it meant: abortion. [For the record, Katie never wavered once. She’s the amazing one!]

Let me explain further while I digress for a moment.

I watched a documentary earlier this year called “Anvil: The Story of Anvil.” It’s a rockumentary about an 80’s hair-metal-band that almost made fame, but just missed. The story was sad, because it displayed these men’s childlike bliss still chasing a dream that will clearly never happen.

(Now on to the point…) For whatever reason, after finishing the movie, I felt an overwhelming sadness come over me. I went back to the bedroom, woke Katie up, and cried my eyes out as I told her that I thought we were about to have a season of sorrow. The feeling was so palpable; I could taste its truth.

I don’t claim to be a prophet. I don’t tend to lean heavily on strong emotions. However, I cried like a baby. That never happens, and I knew something was coming.

I didn’t tell anyone (but Katie) because…well…I didn't want people to think I’m crazy. Try this on for crazy: I watched the documentary on June 14, and we found out about the problem with Hallie on June 23. Remarkable.

I was certain that God was preparing us ahead of time for a bomb. It’s as if he was saying: “Chris, it’s going to get ugly for a while, and I need you to know something: I know what I’m doing, and you can trust Me.”

Now…let’s go back to the diagnosis moment before I digressed…

I forgot about this whole prophetic experience when we found out about the diagnosis. It was just a week prior! My mind didn’t go to what I was certain that God had told me. It went to how I will control the outcome of the pregnancy, and how I can create security where there seems to be none. How faithful am I now?

I mean…there are some serious feelings at play here.

At first, at that early stage of pregnancy, I was worried about having a special needs baby for which to care for my entire life. I was worried about the intense emotional destruction of possibly losing a baby. I was worried about the expenses of care and constant testing. I was worried about her actually living, not dying. How faithful is that?!?

June 23, 2011, was my faith crossroads. And…after most of the emotion subsided, and we found out the final diagnosis on June 27, I began to reassemble my faith in a God who knew exactly where we’d been, where we were, and where He was taking us.

The aching emotion that both Katie and I felt for a long time is this: Katie is going to carry a baby for nine (actually ten) months, pregnancy pains, varicose veins, constant discomfort, gaining weight, maternity clothes, wearing the same jeans every day, swollen everything, and gracefully smiling at those who squeal “congratulations” when they see her bulbous belly…after going through all of that…we would have absolutely nothing to show for it.

But if there's one thing I've learned this year, we already have plenty to show for it.

Katie and I are as solid as ever. Our marriage has matured greatly. For those who think the bond of marriage has anything to do with happiness, it doesn’t. There were many nights driving home from work that I dreaded having to see Katie cry yet another night. These last six months have not been “happy.” But just as truth is sometimes bitter to the taste, we’ve found a new normal…much greater than the cheap and often-temporary emotion of happiness. We have discovered a level of joy and gratitude that has reconstituted our marriage, our family, and us.

We’ve seen our family, friends, and church surround us in prayer, offer service, and provide gifts. We’re beginning to understand what “loving others” really means. We’ve never needed it, and until you do, it’s a mystery. We’re not kids anymore, and life has become a richer gift.

This experience has also provided me with a new perspective on my relationship with my children, Bella and Farrah. You might think that losing a child would cause you to hold your other children a little tighter. But honestly, I think that creates an anxiety that God does not wish for us. Hallie has taught us to let go of our wishes for our children, so that God may be glorified through them. (I can’t believe God has brought me to a place where I can say this. And, it will be a constant struggle for the rest of my life.)

We are now hours away from the pleasure of seeing our third-born daughter, Hallie. And as every parent clings to the hope that their child will accomplish great things in life, I have no doubt that Hallie has already exceeded my wildest expectations.

I hope you choose to see God in your circumstances. He’s there, and I’m thankful that He trusted us with Hallie. I only hope we’ve been a good steward of our time with her, and your time watching her little life develop.

We appreciate your prayers as we begin Phase Two of our journey: the birth.

(Katie, good LORD, you are amazing. I respect, honor, admire, and adore you more and more every day. Thank you for giving me perfect children, and for selflessly bearing the burden of being pregnant for three years of your life. I hope I can be as faithful to you, as you’ve always been to me. I love you.)

-Chris

Update & Some Pictures

2011-12-16T22:01:00.007-05:00

Hello friends!
So I had a Dr. Appt today... and we are set for a Monday am induction! They think Hallie has turned back to head down, but will check again before being induced. I'll go in Sunday night to settle in and be induced early the next morning.

My mom reminded me that Sunday night is the Survivor finale! Sounds silly, but that is one of a few shows Chris and I watch, and we rarely get to watch live. So we'll just try and relax at the hospital and watch :) Bella was born during Survivor (our family was out watching in the waiting room!) And we thought Farrah would be, too, but she came much earlier in the day than we all thought she would.

I have so many things I could write - but I don't think I could cover it all adequately. (Plus I'm in a nesting mood, and I surely need to go clean a baseboard or organize under the sink.) Thank you for all the prayers, messages, calls, cards once again. I have felt such a peace this week. Much much better than last week even. I know it's because we have so many people carrying the burden with us and praying for us!

We have great friends, far and near praying. We were covered in prayer yesterday by Chris' co-workers and our friends at church. The women I've met going through this have been such a blessing. And I know we have people visiting this blog from all over. Who knew when I was trying to decide to even share this news on the blog that it would have been such a great outlet for me.

We really are doing well this weekend. We love the continued prayers for us - but specifically for Hallie and for what her life means. I have enjoyed sharing our progress with you and we certainly hope to have many more things to share after she is here. (After we soak up every moment with her!) I may have family/friends update so you can know how to pray for us. :)

I think that is all for now... enjoy some fall photos of the girls... from back when there were leaves on the trees! Then... a few more from this week after my brother graduated.

Congrats, Ryan!!

Santa

2011-12-14T21:30:00.000-05:00

The girls' weekday director has so much pull with Santa, he came to visit us at church!

Farrah loves to talk about Santa, but was NOT so sure about him. Bella told him she needed a new cash register, because the one he gave her last year broke.

We are still here, hanging. Very ready for Monday to get here. The waiting is just terrible, honestly. Six months of wondering what is to come, and we're finally at the end of this pregnancy and the beginning of Hallie! We just love her and are ready for her to be in our arms so we can tell her how many people care for her and how proud of her we are.

Pregnancy Update - 38 weeks

2011-12-12T23:25:00.001-05:00

Baby is the size of: At the ultrasound today... she's measuring 4 1/2 lbs. We know this can be off a bit, but it's about what we are expecting.

Symptoms: I've been having some contractions every once in a while this week. They are small, but I can feel them. This made me get on the ball and start at least getting things organized to pack - just in case she decides to come early! We had a "stress test" to monitor heart rate/contractions today and I could see & feel some small contractions.
Oh, and my big toe was asleep for a week. Strange!! Dr said it goes along with the feet swelling.

Maternity clothes? oh yeah.

Sleep: Sleeping ok. I wake up on my back a lot and it doesn't feel great to have all the pressure sitting on me. But the process of turning on my side is not fun, either.

Fun moment(s) this past week: Hmmmm... a few things. We moved Farrah to a big girl bed. I kinda can't believe we did it this close to Hallie coming, but we did the same with Bella before Farrah was born. And it's surprisingly gone really well. All of her naps and nights have gone great except one, and it wasn't too bad. I think she loves being in a bed like her sister!!! My parents made both beds. Here is Bella's. And here is a phone pic of Farrah's:

Those pictures just made me realize we need to go back to pink in their room!! Chris... we have anything going on this week? :)

Tonight I had dinner with 4 other Trisomy mom's and it was just wonderful! It it just so great to meet other women who just "get it" and to see how each of their babies have affected those around them. They are just all wonderful women, all in different stages, and wow! Each of their stories are touching and a light for others!

Movement: Um, still a lot. In fact, we learned at the ultrasound today that she is BREECH again! So we will wait and see how she is positioned this Friday at my last OB appt, and can have her turned (ow!) Monday before being induced, too. I am hoping she turns on her own. She has plenty of fluid and is small so either way should be fine.

Gender & Name: Hallie Lynn (Lynn is Chris' mom, my sister and my aunts middle name!) About time we decided, huh? :) We think it goes well with Bella Reese and Farrah Kate.

What I am looking forward to: Meeting Hallie!! I seriously cannot believe I only have a week left. I am sort of a crazy wreck in some ways, but calm in others. I've been nesting like crazy today. I even cleaned out the car. What?!?

Reflections on the past week: Wow, I've been all over the place. But I've mostly been ok. I had some contractions early Sunday morning around 5am and my mind was spinning... "should I be up packing right now because I have nothing packed?!?!" Then I fell asleep and they stopped. I've been feeling big and over being pregnant. I've been sad, anxious and nervous. I have had such a good time with my kids - they are a true joy and make me so thankful. Chris and I have had lots of talks this week, as this is becoming more real to him, too. So this last week has been more of the same - a roller coaster, but maybe with a few more hills. I expect this is how the next several months will be. But I truly feel ready to meet my little angel.

Prayer requests: Wow. I just don't know where to start. So far, all of our prayers have been answered. Thank you so much. Just look at this prayer we asked you to pray for us back in June:

God, give us more hours of joy than pain. Allow us to turn the corner of sorrow, to celebration. Cause us to see her as a gift. And allow us to cherish every moment she’s with us. Change our hearts.

I mean, I never would have guessed that our prayers would be so overly answered by God. But He knew. We are so so thankful that He is a God of compassion and love. He's bigger than all of this. I still don't know that I'll ever understand, but I don't feel alone in my sadness. And when the harder times that are still to come get here... I'm confident He'll get us through it. Thank you for praying for these last 6 months!!

One thing I have not yet mentioned, we do have a wonderful photographer Christy Martin, who is also with the organization "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" We are so thankful to know Christy and to know that this resource is out there for parents like us! If you are a parent that goes through something like this, NILMDTS is wonderful!! Thank you, Christy!!

Again, thank you all for the prayers, thoughts, messages, cards, meals, watching our kiddos... we are forever grateful. We will keep you updated this week!

Big Ham & Puffy vests

2011-12-11T20:38:00.001-05:00

Tonight I am thinking I should start packing bags or at least getting things organized in case Hallie decides to come early. I am so a last minute person, but I have been a little worried that I'm going to be caught off guard and need to get to the hospital fast! So I should probably pack some! Besides that, I'm going to try and relax as much as possible this week. Last ultrasound tomorrow, my brother is graduating with an MBA (go Ryan!!!), getting a few Christmas presents (can you say online shopping?) and the girls Christmas program. That's about the extent of my week I am hoping.

I'm trying to get a few posts out that may never make it out if I don't now...

Here are a couple of Farrah being a ham for the camera.

The "silent scream" started out as a joke to get the girls to stop squealing... but now, it's preferred! I highly recommend it!

And Chris loves to "cat" things... ha!!!

These were taken back in November at my friend Kristy's. Farrah walked around with a tortilla in her mouth for quite a while. She cracks me up! And I love the puffy vests!!

Thanksgiving!

2011-12-10T11:01:00.001-05:00

We did a Thanksgiving lunch at the Green's and dinner at the McIver's. Bunch of yummy food and family visiting!
Chris put together a video of our time at the Green's!

Here are a couple of good shots, too!

Belly Pics

2011-12-08T22:46:00.000-05:00

I haven't been great at getting belly pictures this time around. It seemed like such a big task to do every week like we did with Bella, although I love that we did those! And I didn't do them with Farrah, but we did monthly pictures of her with the teddy bear in the chair and I love those too!!

And with maternity shots... we had some done with Bella. Angela Morris did an awesome job. I don't think we had any official maternity photos done with Farrah?

Chris had his photography gear out Tuesday and took some photos of me & Hallie after I returned home from a Christmas party. (Usually I'm in PJ's by 4pm!) We were even able to capture the B&W photo, similar to the one we had with Bella. I'm glad we took some!

Pregnancy Update - 37 weeks (Full Term!)

2011-12-06T00:19:00.003-05:00

We are here - Full Term - wow.

Baby is the size of: She's probably still under 5 lbs, but she doesn't feel like it! :)

Symptoms: Feet and hands are a bit swollen. Not as bad since it's not really hot out, but when I finally get around to shaving my legs (ha!) I can tell my feet are swollen. And I haven't been wearing my rings for a few weeks because I was scared they'd get stuck.

Maternity clothes? Kristy had given me a couple of boxes a while back, and I never went through one of them. I remembered and it was like Christmas morning! A couple more shirts to add to the wardrobe for a few weeks. :)

Sleep: Sleeping well.

Fun moment(s) this past week: The girls spent the night at GG's this weekend and Chris and I celebrated/relaxed for his b'day. At Spa Sydell, I got a facial (thanks again, friends!!) while I got Chris a massage for his birthday. We then Christmas shopped a bit and then hung out with friends in Athens to watch the game. UGA was doing so well... I literally laid in a recliner the whole game (even snoozed in the 4Q). We were probably lame guests, but it was so nice to just sit and relax! :)

Movement: Still lots. Her feet are on my right side and I feel her heels quite often. She must be using my bladder as a punching bag. I'll take it!

Food cravings: Anything I don't have to fix. haha! I'm tired of my own cooking. In a rut still with meals.

Gender & Name: Hallie. I'd like to decide on a middle name this week so we can monogram stuff.

What I am looking forward to: Hmmmm... not sure. I am honestly ready for Dec 19 to get here (as ready as I'll ever be). But not ready for her to come early, so stay put, sweet Hallie! I am ready for the torturous waiting to be over. I don't necessarily want to rush through the next two weeks, but yeah... I'm ready.

Reflections on the past week: This is always the last category I fill out. Because where do I even start? The last 2 days have been good. Tonight, our most recent small group came over to love on us - brought meals and prayed over us. We felt so loved! I love my church and small groups. Our small group (before the last) is also just awesome. I love that we have so many friends through these groups.

I am so thankful for all of the prayers from everyone - just the nice thoughts, emails, hugs. I've said it before, but it's overwhelming; in a good way! I am just amazed at the generosity of friends, co-workers, family, etc - past and present. Thank you!! I am sorry if I am (really) slow to respond to emails. I promise I read them all, and I'm keeping all my cards.

Last week as a whole - I was honestly just blah - sad, anxious. Thankfully just at night and I've (mostly) been able to hold it together during the day and let it out at night :) I cried for the first time through my doctor's appointment. I was trying so hard to hold it together, but couldn't. It's not something I really shared with anyone, because I actually have forgotten until now. It is just happening more now. I'm trying to remind myself that it's OK. I'm just not a public crier! But there is nowhere for the emotion to go but out now! We are two weeks away from meeting our daughter. Emotions are high and I'm wearing them on my sleeve.

I know yall think I'm strong, but I'm not. Promise you that. I think when you go through something like this, you realize you still have to function. You are still needed by others. And in all the sadness & sorrow, you realize you need more than to rely on yourself. There is nothing that can make this all better; no one who can fix this in the way we'd like to here in this world.

But I know a few things.

1) Christ's strength is made perfect in my weakness.

2) Hallie is perfect, made perfectly in His image. I'm proud of her. I love her.

3) If we get 5 minutes or 50 years with Hallie, God will still get the glory for her life.

4) I won't regret a minute of this. Ever.

I hope yall know I share all of this to hopefully help people going through similar things, and just as a witness to God's goodness in the midst of suffering. I don't share everything (mostly because it's hard and you'd probably worry about my sanity), but I also love sharing as much as I can about Hallie and how her life has affected me. She has changed us!

Prayer requests:

Little "Quinn-Bean" passed away Friday. Continue to pray for Meghan and Steve. This is my fourth friend with whom I've walked this path (whether online or in person), and the fourth little angel that passed. It is so sad, but yet they each have been such a light to me... knowing they were thankful for moments they got with their little girls, or just knowing God was with them when they chose to carry these precious gifts. Meghan and Steve were given 5 days with Quinn, and she said they are so thankful. Is that not a God thing? You know, that we can be so torn up inside going through this, then truly thankful for the moments we are given. I am thankful for Meghan, Miranda, Kalee, Devany and Kara, and watching each of them.

And thanks for praying for us. We pray Hallie stays put for the Dec 19 date, because that's what I am ready for in my head- not earlier. Because you know I won't pack before Dec 17-18. ha. And we pray for our families, as we know they are double-affected by Hallie -- worried about her and worried about us.

Here is the video from church where we were able to share a bit about our story.

http://buckheadchurch.org/messages/story-of-us

Pregnancy Update - 36 weeks (9 months!)

2011-11-29T00:51:00.007-05:00

Baby is the size of: Had an ultrasound today! Hallie is measuring around 32 weeks - about 4 lbs 5 oz. So she hasn't gained much (7 oz) in two weeks... but she is still growing.

Symptoms: Carrying a bowling ball around. Bending with it, carrying kids with it, and trying to sleep with it is quite funny and uncomfortable. :)

Maternity clothes? Can't I just wear PJs the rest of this pregnancy??

Sleep: Same. Love it, should go to bed earlier but that's the story of my life, and I sleep well once I'm asleep.

Fun moment(s) this past week: Thanksgiving was relaxed and fun. We were able to enjoy both sides of our awesome families. Thanksgiving made me think of my Grandmom and how I miss ol' Wewahitchka Thanksgiving days... but I made her fruit salad and it was so yummy.

Movement: She's still moving a good bit. Likes to work on her stretches. She's head down, feet kicking me in the right side (we feel heels often), and a little bum under my ribs.

Food cravings: No huge cravings. Bella and I killed some fruit salad over thanksgiving, though.

Gender & Name: Hallie

Belly Button in or out? I think it's officially out.

What I am looking forward to: Chris' birthday is this weekend. We don't have set plans yet, but I look forward to hanging with him. Probably includes watching the UGA game somewhere. (Have I mentioned that we don't have cable since we moved back in March?!? It has been great until football season!!)

I'm also meeting the OB Friday that will deliver me on the 19th. I'll get 2 appts in with her before the 19th, so that is good.

Reflections on the past week: This roller coaster is getting longer and more bumpy. I am thankful for the good days/hours, for family, for my fun girls, my husband, and for the enormous help and prayers from friends. Your encouragement (coming in various forms) does not go unnoticed and helps me so much.

I have so many thoughts I would love to write. Maybe I will get to it one day. I had a few hard days this past week. Then Saturday night I read a couple more chapters in "I Will Carry You" and I feel like she is writing exactly how I feel. It was encouraging and a reminder that God is with me. And that although I would change this outcome in a milisecond and I plead with God to heal our daughter or give us time with her, God will still be glorified in all of this. Through Hallie.

I was also honored to share my story with our church (via a video - no public speaking for this girl!!) this past week. It was hard to talk and tell Hallie's story, and kinda funny to see my face up on a screen, but it was also freeing to talk about. If it goes up online, I'll post a link. :)

Prayer requests:
First, you can pray for Meghan and Steve. They had their daughter Quinn today (also having Trisomy 13) and she made it through labor like a champ. She's in the NICU now and I pray they get so much time with her!!

Just prayers. I'm trying not to panic and let fear and anxiety of the unknown take over. I can feel it, almost rushing up my throat in the most random times. It is really hard not to focus on the future, and I know that I do better if I just focus on the here and now. One day at a time. But there is also so much to prepare for. Chris and I are going to try and be as "ready as we can" by the end of the week - nesting, cleaning, making packing lists, etc.

Now off to sleep....

Farrah's 2nd birthday

2011-11-25T23:15:00.002-05:00

I am short on words tonight (blame it on the turkey if you want :)) ... but not short on pictures. Or short on love for this unbelievable child. She's awesome. So sweet. So stinking smart. Sensitive, caring, kissable and talkative. She makes my day at least 5 times a day.

We started with the birthday breakfast & pancakes!

She loves talking about fire trucks, trains, trucks. So we took her to a local fire station. She was shy at first, but before we left enjoyed climbing into them.

I'll end with some of my favorite phrases she says right now. Her voice is so sweet, I could freeze her in this age for sure.
I love you too, Mommy.
She loves to play with the I Spy books. When she finds something, she points at it and says "BOOM!" (taught to her by dad)
Thank you Mommy.
Bless you.
All better!!!!! (after getting a boo boo and it being kissed)
Yummy in my tummy!
Tootsies (cookies)
"God our Father" prayer
Oh Goodness!
Ohhhh Man!

Ok, there are really too many to mention. It's that sweet voice -- anything she says is just awesome. And the girl can talk!!! She knows her ABC's, can count to 12... then skip to 18, 19, 20. :), she knows her shapes and almost all the colors. She is proud that she can draw a circle. A favorite activity is pulling chairs around the house to get to what she wants to do (mostly "wash hands" and "do dishes"). Loves dance parties. Starting to ask for pig tails.

Ok, so I'm not that short on words. I love that little girl with the big personality!

Pregnancy Update - 35 weeks

2011-11-21T23:11:00.000-05:00

Baby is the size of: Not sure anymore! At my last OB appt this week for my 34 week appt, I was measuring 31 weeks. That's the size of a large jicama...and... I don't know what that is! All I know is I FEEL 40 weeks pregnant most of the time. Like a basketball is there every time I want to bend down, pick anything (or anyone) up, or pull my pants up over it.

Symptoms: Is feeling like a 90 year old a symptom? I ache.

Maternity clothes? so.over.them. My jeans have gotten their money's worth, for sure.

Sleep: Sleeping good once I get comfy. I can still lay every way possible - stomach, back, and both sides. But I tend to sleep most of the night on my right side.

Fun moment(s) this past week: Dinner with my best friends. We had PF Changs (yum!) and lots of good catching up. They each sent me home with a sweet note that I just loved sitting in bed and reading. These girls know me so well, and each of their friendships is so precious to me.

We also celebrated Farrah's 2nd birthday Saturday. I have some pictures coming! We visited a firestation because of her love of fire trucks. That was fun. And here is a cute video of her blowing out the candles:

Movement: Still huge movements!! I am guessing with her being smaller and having lots of room to move around... she takes advantage! They are movements that make me stop and I know my eyes look like they are about to pop out of my head! But you know what... I love it! It doesn't hurt, but they are such big movements. I am so glad she makes me pause and think about her so often! I can also rub my stomach, much like I rub Bella or Farrah's back, and she'll kick/hit back. :) Bella loves for us to rub her arms as she falls asleep. Farrah likes her hands and armpit (ha!) rubbed. Makes me wonder what Hallie would like.

Food cravings: I don't know about cravings, but I am in a rut with meals. I feel like we eat the same thing every week. You know how you just get in those ruts sometimes??

Gender & Name: Hallie!

Belly Button in or out? barely in

What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving :) Yummy food and a break from our routine.

Reflections on the past week: sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many. One thought I've had a lot lately is how proud I am to be Hallie's mom. As hard as it has been, and as hard as it's getting and going to be... I think Hallie has been such a fighter and will change many people's lives for the better. We KNOW our God could step in and give us a miracle. But we also know that she may not have healing on this side of heaven. No matter what, she is a miracle. We didn't think at 14 weeks when we got bad news that she would make it this far. She's come so far and taught us so much as parents and as followers of Christ. We love her so much and are so proud of her.

Prayer requests: For my nerves. The anxiety of all that can and will happen in the next 4 weeks just weighs on me so much. I don't know that there is really a way to avoid that. But I do pray for comfort and peace in this last month of pregnancy.

If this doesn't make you laugh...

2011-11-20T23:39:00.002-05:00

Pregnancy Update - 34 weeks

2011-11-14T21:12:00.002-05:00

Baby is the size of: We had yet another ultrasound today! Hallie is following in her sisters' footsteps by being photographed a ton :) She is measuring around 3.5 lbs (I think - it went by so fast today, Chris and I felt like we didn't catch much!) So she's still smaller than a typical pregnancy, but growing! She was head down today. Hopefully she settles down there soon!

Symptoms: Just tired and feel more uncomfortable than I look.

Sleep: Still sleeping well. I think the girls have had little colds this week and it makes them sleep even better - I'll take it! Yesterday morning I had to wake Farrah up at 9, even though all 3 lights/lamps had been turned on by her sister at 8. Chris and I are night owls and I think we are raising little owls...

Fun moment(s) this past week: The girls I volunteer for & with at church threw me a surprise shower on Thursday. I was so honored and just feel blessed! They "showered" me with lunch and some pampering things for me - a facial, lotions, and a gift card to Dry Bar. I look forward to my Thursdays so much and just being with them.

Movement: This could be Hallie's middle name. I love it, though. They are by far the biggest movements I've had with my pregnancies.

Food cravings: sweets. pumpkin stuff. more sweets. Oreos for dinner, anyone?

Gender & Name: Hallie

Belly Button in or out? the verdict is out on this one

What I am looking forward to: Having a girl's night Friday with my best friends and then celebrating Farrah's 2nd birthday Saturday! This week is going to be busy but good!

Reflections on the past week: Up & down. Thankfully, most of it up. The hard nights are filled with the anxiety of the unknown. As you can imagine, as a mom, I am entering a nesting phase but I don't know what to totally do with all of that. I want to be ready for Hallie to come home, but I also want to be prepared for her to not come home and make the most of that time. I know she doesn't need much when she comes home. I am sure I will just hold her the whole time :) She'll be in our room, etc. Bella reminds me daily that, "We need to set up the pack n' play for Hallie!" I don't want to worry you all with every detail that goes through my head. I just have to get through those nights and remember that I can't control everything. Then I have days/nights like today where I'm cool as a cucumber and bad thoughts are far away.

Prayer requests: About the same as last week. Pray we make it until the Dec 19th induction with smooth sailing. That is only 5 weeks away, and I'm not ready for anything sooner. I have a gut feeling that we are going to get there and meet her and I just know whatever happens, it's going to be precious time. This baby is one prayed over baby - thanks to all of YOU - and there is a peace in all of this suffering. It's amazing. I smile every time she moves (which is a lot!) and I am so thankful for that.

We started decorating...

2011-11-13T16:18:00.001-05:00

We are usually a "day after Thanksgiving" decorating family. But we've started early this year to enjoy it all even longer :) The video above is the start of my "girl" Christmas tree with all pink ornaments. We'll wait to get our new tree because there is no way I could keep one alive until Christmas. (ha! plus... I'm sure they aren't out yet, right?)

We even had hot chocolate and watched Elf last night in our PJ's!

Halloween '11

2011-11-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

We trick-or-treated in the neighborhood this year. We ate dinner as we walked (ha!) It was fun as both girls were able to walk to doors (Farrah wasn't walking this time last year) ... and we only did a few blocks before they were worn OUT!

Lots of homes on our street went ALL out decorating. Bella loved just going in and standing in front of all the scary stuff. Farrah, on the other hand, wanted very little to do with it. She liked to get her candy and immediately sit down in the driveways to check out her loot and open the candy.

We were out only about an hour then went back to hand out candy.

It was gone in about 10 minutes. IT WAS NUTS HERE! Groups come in the 20's (not kidding). Bella liked helping give the candy out!

Pregnancy Update - 33 weeks

2011-11-07T20:29:00.000-05:00

Baby is the size of: Feels like I'm carrying a watermelon.

Symptoms: Waddling.

Maternity clothes? oh yeah! but my favorite clothes are my pjs. :)

Sleep: Sleeping well at night. I hardly get up for potty breaks, which is a great change from the 2nd trimester that I remember. I am thankful for kiddos that like to sleep, too - for the most part.

Fun moment(s) this past week: The 3D ultrasound was pretty hard to beat!

Movement: Huge movements! As I mentioned before, Hallie moved to head down around 31-32 weeks. As of Saturday morning at the 3D ultrasound, she had flipped back to breech. I honestly think she's going back and forth. The movements I feel with her are so much bigger than I felt with my first 2 pregnancies.

As I am sitting here, in fact, it seriously feels like she is doing flips over and over. It's crazy!

Food cravings: Anything pumpkin. Pumpkin Spice Latte, Pumpkin cookies, Pumpkin dip.

Gender & Name: Hallie still needs a middle name. I just love her first name so much, I forget that she needs a middle one, too! :)

Weight gained: blah blah blah

Belly Button in or out? Chris told me I have an outie now. I'm not sure it's all the way out, but it's on the verge!

What I am looking forward to: hmmmm... I don't know this week. I'm a bit apprehensive about the holidays this year, just not knowing what to expect or where we'll be- what it will look like. But I love the time of year & decorating, etc. So I am going to try to talk Chris into decorating a lot earlier this year (like now) so we can enjoy it even longer. :) I love my white "girly" tree.

Reflections on the past week: I think I wrote a lot of refections in my last post. Overall, I just feel anxious about the coming weeks and don't see it letting up. I'm trying to "not be anxious for anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." This is so hard to do when I'm in the moment of being anxious or just sad. When I'm sad, it will literally hit me out of nowhere and I can't pinpoint the actual feeling. It's so many feelings! But I find that at the end of a hard day (or almost any day, really), that my girls and my husband are presented to me in such a way that I can't help but just be thankful. They are so stinking sweet and innocent. And Chris was such a servant this week and weekend, when all I wanted to do was NOTHING! :) So although I have times of sadness (some quick, some longer), I go to bed every night truly happy with what I do have. I am not saying all my problems go away at all... but I honestly do feel blessed if it's nothing more than just my family and all the sweet support from friends and even strangers.

(I wrote most of this last night. Then I read a book in bed last night and I started getting all anxious again and it totally spilled over to today. Praying for some of that peace to come back to me...)

Prayer requests: I don't think I've really shared this yet... mostly because like everything else, it's up in the air. But we are aiming for a December 19th induction date. This would be my 39th week. That is 6 weeks away (can you feel my anxiety in that sentence?) :) Of course this is while monitoring Hallie's health and my blood pressure (which has always been fine). My prayer is to make it to the 19th and that I can have a smooth, fast delivery like Farrah's. And for Hallie to stay strong through the whole process. Stay strong, little fighter!

This week & 3D Ultrasound

2011-11-05T23:50:00.000-04:00

This has been a week full of Hallie and thinking about our journey. I pretty much always think about it, but this week it seemed to be all out front instead of the thoughts rolling around in the background of everything.

I met with a girl who just got news of her baby boy having severe partial Trisomy 13. She was so encouraging (Hi Kara!) and it was a reminder of how special it is to meet other moms going through this stuff. Two other girls I've "friended" and communicated with over the last couple of months had their babies. One too early. One at 37 weeks and they were able to spend 2 days with her. Then, I had the privilege to tell my story (to be shared later...). Thinking through my "story", writing it out, and then saying it all out loud was good. But I think it's all just heavy and I'm just now realizing that stress & grief just take energy out of you. I guess I knew this in theory. But I think now that some of my tiredness & soreness it is just the pure weight of everything.

We ended the week with a 3D/4D Ultrasound that Chris' dear co-worker gave us. It was truly a great gift. We were able to share this with our family. I know they are also going through their own journey along with us, so it was so special to have that to share with them. This was also the first time the girls came to an ultrasound. Bella could point out some body parts. Farrah wanted to be on the table with me. She wasn't sure what to think about the whole thing ;) We all were able to do breakfast together afterwards and it was a wonderful day.

Hallie is super flexible. She is back to being breech. (I think she's going back and forth judging from the huge movements I feel!) She likes to have both of her arms and legs in front of her face! It took a while, but we were finally able to get some pictures with just one hand up there. She would NOT move that one arm out of the way. The fluid levels were perfect for getting pictures -- but I think she just wants us to wait to see her all!! :) I even got up and danced and did jumping jacks.

Here's a few:

Flexi baby with all of her arms and legs in front of her face!

She's got a little sass' (haha - that's her middle finger!)

SWEET SWEET HANDS

Thanks for all of your prayers, each of you. Most days I still can't believe this is our situation. Hallie is moving and grooving in my tummy and I am loving it. I am ready to meet her. But not ready. I know God will get us through whatever is to come just like He's gotten us this far. But I'm definitely more anxious as we get closer.

pregnancy Update - 32 weeks (8 months!)

2011-10-31T09:43:00.000-04:00

Baby is the size of: She should be about the weight of a small cabbage. :) Crazy - babycenter.com says she now has fingernails, toenails and a respectable amount of hair or peach fuzz. For some reason, I haven't looked at these growth things weekly like I used to with Bella & Farrah. So to read that, I was somewhat surprised and it reminded me that we don't have too much longer to go...

Also, I don't think I've mentioned before, but I have a two-vessel umbilical cord (normal is 3), so really this just means babies usually are smaller because of this. It can happen in any pregnancy, but is common with Trisomy 13.

Symptoms: Walking around like I'm 80 years old, sore hips when I wake up or sit down for a while, heartburn (but goes away so fast with Tums!)

Maternity clothes? Yes. Every once in a while, I can throw in a non-maternity shirt to break up the rotation of maternity clothes.

Sleep: Sleeping well at night. I try to rest and sometimes nap during the day. It helps so much!

Fun moment(s) this past week: No big events this past week. I enjoyed a hair appt & a date night with my hubby, though!

Movement: She is a MOVER! I can't wait to kiss those little feet that kick me all day.

Food cravings: Glad today is Halloween and this candy is leaving!!

Gender & Name: Hallie

Weight gained: I should gain about 1 lb a week now, with half of that going to Hallie. I have a doctor appt Wednesday to see where I am. yahoo.

Belly Button in or out? still in, barely. :)

What I am looking forward to: A 3D ultrasound on Saturday!

Reflections on the past week: Up and down. And I don't mean that when I'm down I'm crying. It could just manifest in being in a mood and usually comes with being frustrated with having a strong willed & energetic 2 & 4 year old. This would happen without the stress of this pregnancy, but it takes me longer to get out of the funk maybe? I don't know... I've never had a 2 & 4 year old before :) All I know is I get in a rut when my body feels like it's 80 years old & I can't get all accomplished that I want. But as soon as the girls go down at night or when they spend the night at one of the grandparents, I miss the heck out of them!! I swear I have the sweetest girls. They are at such fun ages, I just have to remember that and not be so short with them on my bad moments...

Prayer requests: Again, that we can meet Hallie and spend as much time with her as possible - and that all of those moments would just be as blessed and precious as I hear they are. We have NO idea what our outcome will be. The spectrum is so large and we really won't know until she gets here how she will do. Her body works well in utero, we just have to wait and see how she does when she gets here. Doesn't that sound crazy? Not to have any control over it? That is hard for me, as a woman - I like control! Many days, there is actually freedom in not having control. Who am I kidding, anyway? I've never "really" had control of anything. It's all in God's hands. That is a cool thing and slightly terrifying at the same time. So we just have to plan as best we can with all sorts of possible outcomes.
So we just pray for clarity for decisions when we do actually go into labor. I am not good at making decisions (indecisive should be my middle name), so I just want to feel at the end of the day, we made all the BEST decisions for Hallie that we could. We feel like we are in great hands after meeting with the neonatologist and palliative care team last week and that is a huge relief.

Bella & Farrah's Birthday PARTY!

2011-10-29T21:53:00.003-04:00

This year we combined the girls birthday parties. Many of the same friends would be invited, and I have to say it was much easier to plan one rather than two parties! :) It was a Halloween costume party and my awesome aunt let us have it at her place, The Social Goat Bed & Breakfast. I swear, it's always the best weather every year there! October is such a great time of year anyway. And my aunt Kristy's place is just cool anyway - I hardly have to decorate at all.

We had pizza, made my first cake pops (with Mom & Chelsie's much-needed help), and a jumpy house. This along with the costumes and great weather made for a wonderful time. I think the kids were all successfully worn out, too! :) Thank you all who came and made such a great memory with us.

Here's most of the kids:

My little ghosts: (we used the flower girl dresses from Ryan & Melissa's wedding!) I learned at the party that adhesive felt doesn't stick great. It was a good warm up for Halloween!

The cake pops:

Kids made their own treat bags.

This is as we were singing Happy Birthday to the girls. Bella shouted, "No, it's my birthday!!" She didn't understand they were sharing. ha!

Farrah with GG. Two things to note: her Oso bear (She's obsessed with Special Agent Oso) and her smile lately:

Bella's 4th birthday

2011-10-27T21:20:00.000-04:00

I'm a little behind on some picture posts.

Bella turned 4 on Oct 11th.

She woke up to 4 balloons that Tuesday morning.

For breakfast, the traditional birthday pancake was in order!

And a "happy birthday" video text from her friend, Josie :) How sweet?

And for dessert that night, she wanted a strawberry cake with sprinkles.

Picture of the night: Sisters enjoying cake and laughing. Actually, Farrah is fake laughing and making Bella giggle. They are such a duo!

I love you, sweet Bella Reese! I can't believe you're four, but I'm so proud to be your mama! You have the sweetest little spirit and bring such a joy to our family!

Pregnancy Update - 31 weeks & ultrasound

2011-10-25T16:34:00.001-04:00

Hallie!

Look at this sweet little foot :)

Baby is the size of: Hallie is measuring 2.5 lbs right now (per our ultrasound Monday). This is still about 2 weeks behind, which was about the same length of time as the last ultrasound. So that is good she's still keeping on her own curve.

Symptoms: fatigue, varicose veins! Hallie, at every ultrasound, is all on my right side. Which explains why I've had such a hard time with the varicose veins this time. She's on my main vein that is on the right side...

Maternity clothes? Yep!

Sleep: I love sleep and glad I'm sleeping well. Getting comfy is hard at first, but I fall asleep relatively fast.

Fun moment(s) this past week: The girls' birthday party was a blast!! The weather was perfect and it was so great to see everyone. I just love my aunt's place - it's just the perfect party place and she is so so so generous in letting us always use it.

Yesterday was fun. It was mine & Chris' 14 year dating anniversary! We had a Waffle House breakfast together, went to our 2 appts, then had lunch and yogurt together. Just he & I. My love tank was full!!!

Movement: Oh my goodness! This week went to a whole new level!! I think I actually felt her flip from breech to head down last Tuesday. I was in the middle of drinking chocolate milk and had my head tilted back. All of a sudden, I felt like she was about to reach up out of me! It was crazy. I didn't think about the fact that it was probably her flipping until at the ultrasound we learned that she had moved to that position. Now, I get all kinds of kicks on my right side and under my ribs. She is strong!

Food cravings: Halloween candy :)

Gender & Name: Hallie

Weight gained: no comment. It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. ha! or not tell my weight...

Belly Button in or out? Still an innie

What I am looking forward to: We've had a friend give us a 3D/4D ultrasound. I think we may do that next week! This will be very cool to share with the girls.

Reflections on the past week: I feel like I could write forever on this one. Tears can come at a drop of a dime - out of no where - and then be gone again 10 min later. But overall, I have felt a huge feeling of just being loved, loved on, and grateful this week. I don't feel alone at all, although I have to go through this, I know that so many of you are going through in with us. You have no idea how much that means. I would love time and the ability to write more on all kinds of feelings I've had this week - I just don't know how to get it all out there! Words don't do my thoughts justice!

Prayer requests: We would love to meet Hallie. Would you pray for that specifically?

The Rock Ranch

2011-10-19T15:37:00.000-04:00

We went to The Rock Ranch a couple of weeks ago. It was a beautiful day!

I love this man. He is just my favorite person on the planet, in so many ways.

We played in a teepee, fed some goats and rabbits, ground up some corn (random - ha!), took a hay ride - but the favorites were playing in the "Tiny Town" and the jumpy pillow. Enjoy the pics!

Pregnancy Update - 30 weeks!

2011-10-17T22:45:00.000-04:00

Baby is the size of: a head of cabbage

Symptoms: heartburn, fatigue

Maternity clothes? I am over jeans already. I have some leggings but not many things to go with them. Such a first world problem. Ha!

Sleep: sleeping pretty good. I even go many nights without waking for a potty break. I still like naps, but I also go some days with going to bed a little earlier and then getting stuff done during the day. Naps are hard to say no to, though.

Fun moment(s) this past week: Celebrating my sweet Bella's 4th birthday.

Movement: Still a lot of movements. I'm pretty sure I can feel her doing total flips in there. And, she likes to kick my bladder.

Food cravings: Arnold Palmer, still. Yum!

Gender & Name: Hallie

Weight gained: Next appt tomorrow. If it's over what I want it to be, I'll blame it on the fact that I switched doctor offices and it must be the new scales. It could not be the early bags of Halloween candy :)

Belly Button in or out? Still in.

What I am looking forward to: We are having a combined birthday party for the girls this weekend. Crossing my fingers for good weather!! :)

Reflections on the past week: Doing well. It's amazing how many times a day I get asked by strangers now about Hallie. "When is #3 due?" "What are you having this time?" "Wow, a Christmas baby." And it's just as amazing that by God's grace I can just answer the questions easily without going into details. Not that everyone needs to know anyway, I guess I just expected it to upset me a lot more. It pings my heart - but that's not hard to do because I'm wearing it on my sleeve right now. But overall, I'm ok with it. I mean, people are going to ask. And I am having a third daughter, and she is already apart of our family.

It's funny... as a mom and a not-so-good planner, I go to the grocery store wayyyyyy too much. Most times, I have two kids in tow. And 95% of the time there is screaming from Farrah and crys from Bella of getting her hair pulled. And when people look at me... pregnant... I feel like they feel sorry for me. I probably would. ha! But I just am on edge about it, because I for some reason expect someone to eventually say... "And you are having another one?!?" and for me to unload on them and tell them I wish I were going to have 3 perfectly healthy babies to tote around - screams and all! I don't know why this scenario goes on in my head all the time at Kroger, but it does. Maybe because I really do look like a crazy mom.
Besides being concerned about looking like a frazzled mom with screaming kids (for real... why do my kids go nuts in the grocery store?) I am doing well.

Today... I read an article through a Babycenter Group I am in. (Side note: Who would have known there is a whole group for "Carrying to Term Despite Poor or Fatal Diagnosis") It has been a good resource to just read other ladies going thru similar things. I haven't written on there yet, but I have been stalking :)
Anyways... there is a really good article called "Notes from a Dragon Mom" - you can read if you want. I thought it was pretty insightful. Chris and I were talking today about how our parenting style just with Bella and Farrah will or has already changed. We agreed that, for sure - things that used to seem "serious" in parenting just aren't as serious anymore. I was already one to probably "enjoy every second with your kids because they grow so fast"... but now I'm also not stressing as much about the future.

More Tybee Island Pictures!

2011-10-12T23:04:00.001-04:00

A few more cute pics that I can't miss posting...

At the wedding... Farrah watched "Special Agent Oso" on silent. This is her favorite thing to watch, ever. We don't have cable, so she's seen the 3 episodes on YouTube and disneyjunior.com about 50000 times. And it still kept her quiet, even to watch on silent! :)

Reception = Party Time!

Uncle Ryan

Sunday, we drove to Savannah after breakfast to walk around, have lunch, etc. before coming home. Oh my goodness... by then, kiddos were sleep deprived and as we ate lunch outside on a patio... we even ran someone off with their screams. You can't tell by this smile... but just believe me.

Belly!

And we toured a ship.

It was a great trip and the girls slept almost the whole way home!

My sweet 4 year old...

2011-10-11T22:17:00.003-04:00

Can't believe how time has flown.
4 years old today.
October 11th, 2007 we were blessed with Bella Reese Green.
We had a great, fun-filled day celebrating her.
She is just such a joy to me. What a privilege to be her mom!
She has such an imagination, so smart, a concerned & loving big sister, and loves her mommy and daddy to pieces. She loves to sneak in our bed and crawl up the middle to snuggle with us the second part of the night. Bella loves making any one and everyone "cards" and "pictures." Miss Independent. Creative. A natural leader. A beautiful heart. My firstborn. My love.

Pregnancy Update - 29 weeks!

2011-10-10T22:54:00.000-04:00

Baby is the size of: A butternut squash. since she's measuring small, I'll just imagine her as a tiny butternut squash :) Our next ultrasound is in 2 weeks.

Symptoms: Yucky heartburn.

Maternity clothes? Bought a new pair of jeans this weekend and that makes me feel like a new woman! :)

Sleep: About the same. Hard to get comfortable and fall asleep... but then I sleep like a rock.

Fun moment(s) this past week: A trip to The Rock Ranch. What a beautiful weekend here! I'll do a separate post on the day, but here are a couple of teaser pics...

And the visit from our friends from Sarasota. We hadn't seen each other since their last trip through Atlanta. And it was like no time had passed. I love that I knew it would be like that. It was so fun, and we just hung out and had lunch and let the girls play together. I love friends like this that you just click with. We have to get down to Sarasota again soon!

Movement: Hallie: oh yeah. Me: moving slowly.

Food cravings: A pretty constant thing I've liked during this pregnancy is a lemonade/tea mix. (Also called a Arnold Palmer. Not to be confused with Tom Arnold when ordering... not that I would know...haha) Today I realized.... Chick-fil-a will do this. And it was YUMMY!

Gender & Name: Hallie

Weight gained: Next appt is the 18th at the new doc. We'll see then... :)

Belly Button in or out? Still in, but I can see it all.

What I am looking forward to: My sweet first born is turning 4 tomorrow. We are in disbelief! 4 years?!?

Reflections on the past week: It was a good week. I feel more at ease now that I made a decision to change delivering hospitals. It feels right and I finally got all the paper work transferred and an appt scheduled with a new OB. It feels good to have that behind me. And I think it kept me busy :) Now that I'm 29 weeks, I'll meet with a care team on a birth plan and meet the neonatologist. In some ways, I feel like we are on the home stretch, even though I still have around 10 weeks! In many ways, I am eager to get to the end of this pregnancy and just meet her (God willing) and in other ways I want to keep her in me forever. But for the most part, I just feel ready. The waiting is hard for me.

I really have a strong desire to share how I feel completely wrapped in God's arms through all of this. I feel like I've grown in my own personal relationship with him. If only I were a good writer and could tell you in beautiful ways. Although I would change my circumstance in a millisecond, I don't know that I could experience this in any other way than to walk through it myself.

Prayer requests! (Newly added category): Here are some specific things that are on my heart and mind that you can pray for :)

That we would make it full term and get to meet our precious Hallie
Wisdom for the doctors
That we will feel clarity & peace with whatever decisions we'll have to make regarding Hallie's care
Protection of my sweet Bella's tender heart in what ever is to come. Farrah's too, but Bella will of course be the one who understands more.
That God is glorified in all of this

Savannah - Tybee Island Weekend

2011-10-07T22:27:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, we attended a wedding in Savannah and stayed in a condo with my family (10 of us!) in Tybee. It was a beautiful weather weekend, and so fun to be on the beach then dance the night away with my favorite party people.
I have so many pictures to share... Chris took tons and every where we went was just beautiful for taking shots... but for now, I'll share some of the wedding and reception...

The girls didn't sleep very much on this trip... mostly in the car rides. They fell asleep on the way to the wedding and woke up cuddly. This is Farrah holding Chris' hand during the (short, gotta love it) wedding. And Bella loving on me :)

We took a few outside under the big trees.

Open bar... and Farrah and I shared a cranberry sprite :)

Cute Husband

The reception was at Savannah Yacht Club and the girls loved seeing the big boats before the party started! They even gave out comfy flip flops to change out of your heels (I was so thankful!!)

More to follow....

pregnancy Update - 28 weeks (7 months!)

2011-10-03T22:48:00.000-04:00

Baby is the size of: a chinese cabbage (although Hallie is measuring 2 weeks behind, so I guess she's still about the length of a cucumber)

Symptoms: swelling. ouch.

Maternity clothes? yep. getting ready to get some fall maternity clothes out of storage. yippee!

Sleep: I sleep hard once asleep, but getting comfortable is no fun. I still like to lay on my tummy or back. Sleeping on my left side is suppose to help with the leg swelling but I can't seem to get comfy. Oh, and I'm now acting like a nap is a God-given right. I don't like missing mine! ha.

Fun moment(s) this past week: Being on the beach and watching the girls love just running around, chasing birds, playing frisbee. And also watching them dance at the wedding in Savannah. They are so fun!

Movement: Lots still. Hallie was moving all around as we sat in the sun this weekend. She seems to also like to stretch and push me around. :)

Food cravings: No cravings really.

Gender & Name: Hallie ? Green

Weight gained: not getting on a scale at home. :) I like only knowing at appts!

Belly Button in or out? still an innie.

What I am looking forward to: Hmmm... more of this weather?? :) And we have some out of town friends coming up this weekend. We haven't talked to them in like a YEAR! But they are the type friends you just fall right back into place with. We haven't yet told them about Hallie (or even that I'm pregnant). (We just haven't talked in that long and they aren't on Facebook or read blogs...)

In general, I find that the hardest part in talking about it is telling people the news. Once it's out there, I'm usually ok talking about it. I'm trying to find the balance of that in a lot of places in my life right now. For a long time, only people in our circles (family, church, work, etc.) knew because they knew I was pregnant or know us. But now that I'm showing, and life goes on... I meet new people and I feel like it has to come up all the time (new Bible Study, new people I volunteer with at church, neighbors). There is a comfort in being able to talk about Hallie when I want AND it makes me feel like I have somewhat of a normal pregnancy. But I don't like the discomfort in bringing it up when people don't already know. There's just no good way to bring that up in a conversation. There's not really a solution to this... I just deal with it as it comes along I guess.

Reflections on the past week: A pretty good week. I am getting more anxious as time goes on. I am within 3 months of having Hallie (or less), and that freaks me out. Not sure how else to say that. But the pregnancy is going fast where as at one time, Christmas felt really far away. But y'all know how this time of year flies by... The girls birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving and then BAM! It's Christmas. On one hand, I am ready for her to be here. So much of the stress is in the waiting. On the other hand, I'm not ready for her to be out of the safety of my womb.

I also have no idea how to put into words the things that go on in my head on a day-to-day or even an hour-by-hour basis. I could write so many different posts on so many different aspects of life right now... but I just don't know the words or have the time :)

I will say... I joined a new Bible study group that I haven't done in a couple of years - for moms. We are talking about the book "The Ministry of Motherhood" and it's done so much for my attitude and job as a mother. We just finished this week talking about grace in parenting and it was so good! I look forward to the rest of the book! I'm glad I did this study to remember to focus on being as good of a mom as I can during this time and not to tune out.

Love yall. Thanks for praying!

Pregnancy Update - 27 weeks & ultrasound

2011-09-26T23:31:00.001-04:00

We had our specialist appt today. I feel like we were just there, but it's been 4 weeks already. Time is flying. No new changes with Hallie. Which I think is good - no reason to think she's going anywhere anytime soon (as far as Dr.'s can tell - she's under no stress). We saw her moving all around and even yawn or open her mouth once. :) It's such a strange thing to be in there - looking at her and looking perfect to us. So I just soak up the time watching her as if to figure out her personality now. I was thinking today - this really could be my only reality with her, here in these offices.

Her butt was down, and her head, feet and hands were all on my right side. Looks like another flexible baby :) She finally flipped over so we could get a decent profile picture.

The Dr. then had us meet with a palliative care team. I was happy to meet with them, but it was kinda of spontaneous, and I didn't have much prepared as far as questions. But I did have some, and they were answered. So now we have some things we need to decide as parents as far as care goes for Hallie after she is born. You can pray for us as we seek clarity on that.

Farrah and Bella's pediatrician also called today. She just found out about Hallie and I thought it was very nice of her to call and give me her advice.

It's really just amazing how little info is out there. There is a lot online, but because Trisomy is somewhat rare (not totally rare, but rare enough) each Dr may only see a couple of cases of this ever. And even then, each case is different. So it can be scary to be on that end of things. But we also have complete confidence in all of these doctors and we just have to let all of OUR wants for Hallie be known, and not let the medical field make those decisions for us. I am thankful we do live in the US, in a big city, and have lots of options available - and even have to pick between good hospitals. Not everyone has that.

Baby is the size of: 14.5 in cauliflower; about 2 lbs (today's estimate from the Dr is that Hallie is 1 lb 12 oz, measuring about 2 weeks behind)

Symptoms: heartburn at night. nothing Tums can't take care of. And still the swelling under my belly. i have a feeling that's only going to get worse. Oh, and now I have varicose vains popping up. I read that Hallie is probably sitting on the large vein on the right side of my body, which in turn increases pressure in the leg veins. Time to actually start sleeping on my left side, taking breaks to get off my feet, and buy some compression hose. yahoo.

Maternity clothes? yes sir.

Sleep: slept much better this week. And we hung up something over the window to make the girls' room darker, and it's totally making them sleep better. Friday & Saturday mornings (Chris' days off) the girls slept until 9am. Yes!

Fun moment(s) this past week: The fair!! Chris and I also had a date afternoon/night on Saturday and went to see The Help. It was so good!

Movement: Lots and lots of strong kicks from Hallie. Chris can watch them, too. Movement for me... uh... I like to make my bending down strategic. If I'm picking something up, I like to pick up/clean as much as I can while I'm down there to minimize bending. ha! Funny how all of a sudden I feel 39 weeks pregnant.

Food cravings: nothing specific

Gender & Name: We need a middle name, haven't talked about it. It needs to not start with a vowel. I've wanted to use my middle name for all the girls (Ann), but it never seems to work with the initials of our girls.

Weight gained: Ok, geez. 15 lbs. This is a little ahead of where I was with Bella (& probably Farrah, I didn't keep as good of track with her). But I have 13 or less weeks to go... so I'll just be more careful... right....

Belly Button in or out? Didn't make time to focus on my belly button this week. :) I'm sure it's still there.

What I am looking forward to: We are going to Savannah this weekend with my whole family to attend a wedding. We're staying in a house all together in Tybee. FUN! I can't believe it's almost October...

Reflections on the past week: I just realized this week that I'm in my 3rd trimester, and have been since 25 weeks. This pregnancy is going fast it seems. I had a much better week.

Fair 2011

2011-09-24T00:14:00.002-04:00

Our hometown fair has become a tradition with my family. We went growing up, but I swear I love it more now.
Fair 2010
Fair 2009

I was excited about Farrah's age... and although she was thrilled with just being able to walk around, she was not a fan of many rides. She probably most enjoyed the chocolate milk from the petting zoo :) Bella had a blast!! She wanted to ride everything. We rode what we could while we visited with tons of friends that were also at the zoo, ate corn dogs, and tried some fried cheesecake.

Frog Hopper again this year:

Corndogs:

My parents and grandparents are part of the tradition :)

As well as Josie and the Masterson's & Queens

They are getting too big!

I love how this one shows me and Kristy with all of our girls... Izzie is in the stroller.

Farrah sat in this ride for about 10 seconds. We tried to tell her how much fun it was... but she'd rather just watch. She actually did want to ride the "cars" that were too big for her... next year, Farrah! :)

Petting zoo with Josie:

They loved "milking" the cow!

Chocolate milk was a prize for washing your hands as you left:

We had so much fun! Can't wait for next year! :)

Strength & Hope

2011-09-21T14:27:00.002-04:00

Like I spoke about in a previous post, I actually knew a good bit about Trisomy from reading blogs in the past. I don't know how I came to find them, but I followed Copeland's life first. I remember being up in the wee hours, during Bella's night time feedings, rocking and reading. I was amazed by her faith and strength. To be honest, more than anything, I was sad and didn't understand how one got through this. And I would just rock Bella and be so thankful for a healthy baby and family. And I'd cry (Chris did not understand why, on top of my baby hormones, I would read these blogs! haha!)

A couple of years later, I read about Hogan too. His dad wrote the blog and it was so cool how he did it. It really celebrated Hogan's short life. Pretty cool to read a dad's prespective. It was through these two blogs that I learned about Trisomy 18. (Similar but a little different than Trisomy 13.) That was pretty huge for me, because when I was told of the possible diganosis, I knew right away that I could carry this baby (even if it was a really hard journey) I knew of and had read of many that went through the same thing.

Over the last couple of years, I also followed more sad and heart wrenching stories. I also had a high school / blog friend loose a child. That of course was a lot harder as it was someone I knew. Watching her faith and strength was amazing, though. Amazing.

With all of these stories, I said the same thing. "Their strength is so inspiring. They are so strong!"
Another reason I was drawn to the blogs of the people I didn't know was to learn. My biggest, darkest fear has always been to loose someone close to me. I've spoken about this with small groups, close friends and my husband. But I've had a pretty easy life. I haven't gone through any big trials. So I've always been afraid of how I would react, how my faith would really play out if I were to have to go through something big.

I am not strong. God is holding me up. Your prayers are holding us up. And I realize now that those stories are not stories of people with incredible strength. They are real people who looked at their situation, knew they couldn't do it alone - and shared their story through a lens of faith. Without faith in something bigger than ourselves, without faith in a God who truly loves me, I may be able to "survive" because I have two other kids to take care of. But I certainly would have no hope, no joy, and this would be much much harder. I promise you this, my faith is no stronger than yours. It's just that mine has been put out for everyone to watch and see how we will react.

Thankfully I knew right where to turn when we first found out. Chris and I of course we devastated, but we thought, "If we are going to go through this, we're giving it our all."

I am learning that being strong and having faith doesn't mean I can't cry. God is quick to listen to my every plea, he doesn't turn away when I'm super short with my husband, he doesn't get angry when I get angry at my kids, he's patient when I don't understand. And I think he understands when I can cry at a blink of a dime. I'm not perfect and He doesn't expect us to be, especially when going through the ugliness of grief.

It's not fair that I have to go to regular appts and have people ask, "Oh, you're having a Christmas baby!" Agggggg, Christmas is my favorite time of year. I am just sad about this. We have no idea what this year will be like. It's cruel that my situation is never far from my mind, clouding so many things and making them seem less enjoyable. I hate thinking about possible funerals when I should be thinking about showers and diapers and decorating another room.

But after dark periods (some shorter than others - although I feel like all of last week was a long dark time), I wake up and realize - I have HOPE. I will meet Hallie one day, face to face, whether that is here on earth or in heaven. And she'll be perfect either way. I can have joy and sorrow through all of this and no one would expect anything different. They go hand in hand:

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
-Kahlil Gibran

This kinda seems long & rambly... but my point is... I'm not strong alone. I'm still standing because I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and shows me true JOY & gives me HOPE in the midst of unspeakable pain & sorrow.

Pregnancy Update - 26 weeks

2011-09-20T14:06:00.002-04:00

Baby is the size of: a (hothouse?) cucumber

Symptoms: Still just the pressure the belly puts on everything. ouch!!!

Maternity clothes? I wear the same pants like every day, but at least I like them?!

Sleep: Didn't do so well this week on sleep. One or two children being sick will do that to you. Friday night, Farrah was up every hour! Um, do I have a newborn?! Naps didn't happen well. But we are back on track and I'm already really really looking forward to a nap today in this weather!

Fun moment(s) this past week: Chris & I went to a fun wedding Sunday afternoon. It was cool & different in a neat art gallery downtown. The bride was BEAUTIFUL!! Oh my goodness. I had not met her before, but you could see her glowing!

Movement: Lots!

Food cravings: This week I passed my gluecose test. I may have celebrated by eating way too many donuts earlier this week and a bag of cotton candy at the fair last night.

Gender & Name: Hallie :)

Weight gained: Seriously, do I have to answer this? :)

Belly Button in or out? Still in, but I can see all of it. Flattening out.

What I am looking forward to: The announcement of Rachael's baby today! She just gave birth and I'm waiting to hear girl or boy!

Today is also our 8 year wedding anniversary. I'm married to the best person I've ever met. And I mean that. I like to think we were made for each other. But I'm pretty sure any girl would be most honored to be Mrs. Chris Green. I'm so happy I'm her, and that he is the best father my girls could ask for. I love Chris more than I can express.

Reflections on the past week: It was a hard, hard week. I'd like to write more, later. But right now... I need a nap! So check back.

Last night/ this morning

2011-09-15T15:30:00.001-04:00

Bella has had a cough for a couple of weeks. Just when she wakes up in the morning and at nap. But Monday, it got a little worse and "seal-like" (aka - I knew that meant croup). And she had a fever. By Tuesday at lunch, Farrah had the fever and woke up from nap with the seal cough. They slept well Tuesday night, so Wednesday we had to get out of the house as to not go stir crazy!

Bella's fever was getting better, but Farrah was still hot and I could tell coughing hurt her (Bella never complained of it hurting). And we had plenty of moments where they seemed fine... this is the new "silly" face and it CRACKS me up every time I look at it!

So last night (Wednesday) I put them in the hot steamy shower with me until the hot water ran out. They went to sleep so fast - at 7:30! Which is early these days. I was relieved b/c a couple of days with under the weather kids can make you very weary...... but then Farrah woke up crying hard at 8:30 and trying to catch her breath. Even dry heaving once. Um, that will scare you. Her voice was so soft so there is no telling if she'd been crying for a while?? I felt terrible and just held her. She was wheezing in & out. The nurse felt with her symptoms I should take her in that night! AHHHHHH! I won't go into every detail, but of all nights... it was already a long day and Chris was leaving town this morning.... ahhhhhhhh.

But in the end, I am so glad we went. She has croup and stridor, so they gave her a steroid and a breathing treatment. But the catch was we had to stay around 2 hrs after the breathing treatment so they could check her again. It worked like a charm. And she was asleep in the big Children's Healthcare Bed. But it was 3am and I was tired & hungry! And COLD! It had to be 60 degrees in there. Internet didn't work well either. I should have brought food, a book and a jacket. Note to self for next time. Hopefully that won't be anytime soon. I hadn't been to the ER since Bella was 3 days old.

Farrah slept until 11am today! And she's still sick, but a HUGE difference. And she is taking a nap, which I didn't expect. If we had not gone as recommended, it probably would have been a much harder night of sleep and a hard day - managing 2 at the Dr. office. So it all worked out.

Yesterday, last night in particular, was so trying. So trying. All this, plus Bella jumping on the bed (which she's told 100 times a day she can't do) and getting a stinger or something in her neck. Scared me to death. Then going to the ER with Farrah. I am really not trying to complain or be dramatic, but geez... I was at my limit! But I was so happy that Farrah improved so much. (She just seemed to get sick so fast!) And I was driving home thinking, "Lord, please let tomorrow be nice to me."

And it has been. Girls slept in, Farrah until 11!, and we went out for BBQ to quench a pregnancy craving. Then doughnuts. Because if one can ever "deserve" food for a hard day, we did. And now naps... And we're gonna make it :)

In the waiting room:

Waiting for the Dr:

After the steroid, she felt lots better. Entertaining with a plastic glove.

Sound asleep:

Zoo lately

2011-09-14T20:31:00.000-04:00

With the recent good weather, we've been enjoying to zoo more again! Our current favorite thing is the parakeet exhibit. We spend at least 20 minutes in there each time (that is a lot on one exhibit, if you ask this mom!). There are sticks with birdseed on them you can buy for $1. Tip: don't buy them. Many times, people will give you theirs when they are done because it would take forever for all the birdseed to get eaten OR they are just laying randomly on the ground.

These pics are from last Friday. Look at these sweet sisters.

To be honest, this is how a lot of our pics are. Bella being sassy and Farrah won't make eye contact. Or the other way around. :)

Then we alternate visits to either the train or the carousel. Farrah loves to yell "TRAIN!" every time she hears it throughout the zoo. But as soon as it's time to get on, she does NOT like it (specifically the tunnel). But that is getting better.

We love this picture. She saw Bella swinging, and had to do it, too. I just love her hair!!

And we rode the carousel that day...

We love the zoo!

OH wait... I just found some more pics on my phone from a previous visit:

I told ya... they love these birds!

And... we get on the train and everything is fine...

Then the engine starts up and she loses it...

Pregnancy Update - 25 weeks

2011-09-12T23:30:00.000-04:00

Baby is the size of: 13.5 in rutabaga. What??

Symptoms: getting a bit uncomfortable.

Maternity clothes? yep.

Sleep: sleeping pretty well! Grateful for that.

Fun moment(s) this past week: Celebrating Rachael's baby and then Kelly & Bobby's baby boy. Both coming VERY soon!!

Movement: She moves a lot these days. Chris gets to feel a good bit of her kicks, too.

Food cravings: none in particular.

Gender & Name: Hallie

Weight gained: ?

What I am looking forward to: Fall & fall weather. And the girls' birthdays will be here soon, too!

Reflections on the past week: auuuuuuuuuggggg. Overall, fine. But a few teary times this week. Something about realizing this week that I'm "25" weeks" and have less than more weeks left has kinda hit me.We had a talk about things parents shouldn't have to talk about - decisions that need to be made now and not when Hallie is born. I was able to (somehow) research and talk about this stuff with Chris objectively. It of course is heavy stuff, but I was able to think about it because we NEED to, not because I wanted to. Then the little things are what can bring me to tears.

Like Saturday, we were loading the kids up to go run errands and my maternity jeans had to be pulled up for the 500th time already that morning (they drive me nuts!) and I got in the car and just cried. Because I have to wear maternity pants, act like a normal pregnant woman, and may not get the same results as a normal pregnant woman. It's not fair. I sometimes mourn that my body is going through all the usual motions of being pregnant, and it's just a reminder to me of what I am going through. What is to come. As much as I try to just think about all the good things and how I know it will all be worth it, it's just hard sometimes. And although I would never change my decision to carry to term this precious girl, the situation just sucks. But I knew it would. I knew it wouldn't be easy. But it's not the little things that make me upset, it's just a compilation of all these little things.

I try to not worry about the future, because there is nothing I can do to change it. I know God has me in his hands. But that doesn't always keep me for actually worrying and just being scared and sad.

I've also noticed how worship music affects me. We have a CD in the car of all the music played in Waumba land. (Yes, preschool music.) But it's not typical kid music. It's many of our musicians from church and they are just good. They of course are positive and "happy" songs. But also really catchy and my girls LOVE it. They have motions to every song. And I can sing right along with them, and I can claim every word they say. It's sounds cheesy, but I like it.

Then, at church - our music is soooo wonderful. And I don't say that just because Chris works there. I mean, yall know if you go there... it's just good. But man, lyrics can just cut to the heart when you are going through stuff, you know? Sometimes I cry, other times I feel like I could have a really good cry, but hold the tears back harder so that people won't look at me. Either way, I could cry every time. Nothing wrong with it of course. But I don't want stares or people worrying about me, etc. I guess I should get over that.

Wow... that was some rambling.

Thank again for all the prayers, sweet notes, books, even gifts and more prayers. They mean so much. I'm reading one that was given to me called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith and it is great.

Wedding weekend

2011-09-11T21:51:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, as I had mentioned, Chris was in his cousin Brad's wedding and Bella was the flower girl. Maggie, the bride, was sweet and included Bella and I in the bridesmaid festivities that weekend!
First, we went to the Bridesmaid Luncheon at the Swan House. Maggie gave Bella a beautiful pearl necklace to wear in the wedding.

Then, she pampered us. Bella had her finger & toes painted (big girl!) and I was treated to a pedicure (Thank you, Maggie!) It was such a fun day with my little Bella.

That night, we had rehearsal. And I had "Double Trouble" on my hands. They were loving running ALL over the huge Catholic Church. I have to say they looked adorable, though.

Bella did great as the flower girl. The reception was at the Atlanta History Museum. It was super nice and I just knew we were going to break something. My mother-in-law was awesome in helping wrangle during dinner.

Then we all had a great time dancing together! We partied until 10:30! Farrah was a dancing fool!
I was nervous about having them up so late, but it worked out well. And Chris loved having the girls there. He made the comment that "It's crazy to think I only have a few weddings like this to dance with the girls before I'm the father of the bride and dancing a Father/Daughter dance." So true.

Shower for Baby Copponex

2011-09-09T21:35:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to a dinner/shower for Rachael and Baby Copponex (who will be arriving ANY day now!! Yay!!!) I was honored to be invited. Rachael (whether she knows it or not) has been a inspiration to me over the past year+. Our sisters are long time best friends, but we've just recently in the past couple of years became friends through our blogs :)

Kelly wrote a great post with tons of pictures (check it out, because I didn't take any pictures!) She sums up the night so well!

I am so excited to hear the news of Rachael's baby... and to find out the sex of him/her!!

Toot-Taste

2011-09-07T23:41:00.000-04:00

Ha! What a title!

I can't get enough of this voice. There isn't much she doesn't try to say these days. Toot-taste = toothpaste. She still LOVES brushing her teeth since this earlier vide o and now demands floss. (I think she likes the mint flavor?) She has to be first ("My TURN!") and it's hard to get her off the step to go to bed. I trick her by saying, "Go show Daddy your pretty teeth!"

Ahhh I love this age!

Wordless Wednesday: Rain Gear

2011-09-07T07:00:00.000-04:00

pregnancy Update - 24 weeks (6 months!)

2011-09-05T22:13:00.001-04:00

Baby is the size of: about as long as an ear of corn or banana

Symptoms: about the same

Maternity clothes? yep! i like my new skinny jeans, i just wish maternity pants didn't have to be pulled up every 1.5 seconds. maybe i should try suspenders. ha!

Sleep: overall, sleeping pretty well. last night - not so much. i have no idea why, but i had so many dreams that kept waking me up. some bad, some just strange. i had a dream (it was a good dream) that we had Hallie and she looked just like Farrah.

Fun moment(s) this past week: the wedding this weekend was fun. the reception was super nice and we kept the girls there until like 10:30? dancing! i will never forget Farrah dancing. Girl has some rhythm!! Bella did great as the flower girl. Chris looked super nice in his bow tie tux. And I did a reading in the wedding and didn't mess up. And the girls stayed pretty quiet during the ceremony. So all was well. :)

Movement: Still mostly at night and morning is when i notice the most. i don't think i sit still long enough to notice other times. oh my goodness these two girls at home keep me ON MY FEET!!

Food cravings: nothing specific.

Gender & Name: Hallie (not to be confused with the name Haley)

Weight gained: i don't know! guess i'll find out before my glucose test on the 16th. i could probably afford to run a couple of laps. if i ran.

Belly Button in or out? i noticed today that it's getting pretty flat.

What I am looking forward to: celebrating a couple of friends with baby showers this week and weekend.

Reflections on the past week: I am doing ok emotionally. It's just a HARD waiting game right now. I feel like we are in a good place (emotionally) after knowing the news for over 10 weeks. But I know it will be a different and more challenging ballgame when she gets here. And ... we don't know when that will be. So I'm trying to find the line between preparing and over preparing. Between wanting control and giving up control to God. Because there is only so much we can do to prepare. We don't know what road God will take us down. We can't know every little thing wrong with her and have a set plan for proceeding. So I am just trying to prepare and learn what I can, then rely on God and asking for clarity for the rest.

Farrah counting to 10

2011-09-04T19:36:00.000-04:00

This is in the car on our way to the beach. We just discovered she can count to 10, I didn't even know she could! ha! I guess a a combination of school on Thursdays and playing countless hide-and-seeks with Bella has taught her! I love her little voice.

Abigail's Party

2011-09-01T22:30:00.002-04:00

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, we went to Abigail's 2nd birthday party at my aunt's B&B "The Social Goat."

Allison did so great with her theme and decorations. My favorite thing was the farm animal cake pops!

Allison is a long time friend. We danced in the fifth grade talent show together to "Boggie Woggie Bugle Boy" and are still looking for a recording of that... :) haha!

My parents were also there. Farrah loves her G'daddy!

The kids had a great time, despite the crazy heat, and Allison threw a cute, cute party!!

Pregnancy Update - 23 weeks & ultrasound

2011-08-29T23:41:00.000-04:00

Oh, sweet girl.

We had an ultrasound today. Crazy how 4 weeks between each ultrasound can seem like both forever ago & like I just had one simultaneously. I was soooo eager to get news on Hallie today. Growth wise, we felt like we'd be able to see so much more and learn more about her. As much as I would like a doctor to tell me the future, it's not going to happen. They can only give their best educated guesses. And that is what we want. The more we know, the more research we can do and the more we can be prepared. We met with a new doctor. The past 3 ultrasounds have been with the same specialist, but we wanted to try someone new within the group. No one reason, we just felt like we wanted to hear from someone else.

So the new doctor was an older gentleman, and it was a good experience. He was great about answering our questions and we felt pretty at ease with him. Hallie was mover again today :). Basically we could see the hole in the heart and her cleft palate a little better. Her other organs look good and so does the fluid around her. He said that at this point, he doesn't see a reason for "demise in-utero" in the near future. That in his opinion, and I am paraphrasing to make this as simple as possible, that Hallie could very well make it to birth, or get very close. Time will only tell as she grows- and hopefully the fluid around her and the placenta cooperates to keep her comfortable. It's not that he is saying, "yes! she will make it to birth!" but he is saying that Hallie is doing well and he doesn't see any reason right now that concerns him.

I'm not sure how much I have explained about Trisomy 13 in my posts, so I hope all of this makes sense. T13 effects every cell in the body. It's not the heart or the cleft palate or anything ONE thing that is the problem- it's her whole body that is affected. She is special - and has an extra 13th chromosome in every cell. So this creates problems everywhere - her ability to breathe, eat, etc. Right now, my placenta is her life source. The outside world is where the problem is. I wish I could keep her safe forever inside of me. Until we meet her, I will enjoy every kick and know this is our special time together. And just pray that we get to meet her.

Baby is the size of: a large mango (Hallie is specifically estimated to be measuring about 1.1 lbs and about 1.5 weeks behind in size, which is a normal characteristic of Trisomy 13.)

Symptoms: Sore feet after standing/walking all day. Other than than some minor things, I love pregnancy in general.

Maternity clothes? yes, although this week I was almost exclusively in a bathing suit getting my white belly a tan :)

Sleep: I love sleep. I love naps.

Fun moment(s) this past week: The whole week was fun at the beach! I really enjoyed our night of "crab hunting" with the girls. They had little nets and we all had our own flashlights. The girls had never seen so many stars!

Movement: Yes, more and more. It's funny how much a little "mango" can move!

Food cravings: I've been craving/drinking more water lately, which is good, finally.

Gender & Name: Hallie! We haven't talked about middle names yet.

Weight gained: I don't even want to know after that vacation.

Belly Button in or out? I think it's ever so slowly starting to flatten out.

What I am looking forward to: Chris' cousin Brad is getting married to a wonderful girl named Maggie this weekend. It already feels like she's been part of the family forever. Chris, Brian & Bella are part of the wedding party and we are so honored. The wedding & whole weekend should be a blast!

Reflections on the past week: Doing well this week. It's hard for me to say that because at the beginning of all of this, I didn't think I could make it all the way through this pregnancy (and especially joyfully!) I think going on 10+ weeks of knowing our news, and letting it sink in (as much as it can), I am getting to a place of being ok. I know I can't change anything. Like any big trial in life, this makes me appreciate the blessings I do have in life. My goodness, I have a great little family. I don't go without. I have more than I deserve. And I know, as hard as this IS and WILL be, that Hallie is a blessing, too. She's taught us more, stretched us more, and made us rely on God more than ever. And I have a feeling that we're not the only ones that will learn from her.

I'm not 100% doing awesome, I don't mean to act like nothing is the matter. I have my times. I still kinda want to go unnoticed and not as a pregnant girl that strangers want to rub her belly & ask "when are you due?" And I really hurt for people going through this same thing, too. I am still scared of the future. I am scared to meet her and fall in love, but I'm also scared not to meet her. But I keep reminding myself that God has carried us this far, and He'll be there during even worse times.

Thank you for praying for us. It's kinda overwhelming, really. I am just blown away by the people that are praying for us & for Hallie. It's so cool to see, you have no idea.

Vacation to Grayton Beach

2011-08-27T23:28:00.005-04:00

We had a GREAT time at the beach this week!

It was our first time on an extended vacation with the Greens, and we picked an awesome place.
The weather was BEAUTIFUL all week, just perfect.

The beach was even more quiet than usual, with school starting back.

Chris and I were able to walk a block to The Red Bar for a date night.

We had a great routine that consisted of waking, eating, poolin', eating, napping, snacking, beachin' it, eating and sleeping.

Actually, Chris would take a nice long nap with the girls, and I snuck down to the beach for some relaxing, sun, and alone time!

I am always thankful for a break from the routine and craziness of life.

(And, btw, Farrah totally perfected the art of walking up to the camera and posing without us asking. It was awesome. I'll never forget this one below, she saw Chris asking Bella for a smile, and Farrah got up and posed with her deflated float. Love that girl!)

This year was no different.

Just to be with these two AMAZING girls - Chris and I just can't get over that they are ours.

The Greens were so generous to take us on this trip.

Chris took some amazing shots.
(Could you not feel like you could crawl into these pictures with them?)

I couldn't pick, so you get to see a bunch.

Mostly of my little brown berries. :)

GG & Poppy got lots of Quality Time with the grandkids.

And Chris and I got lots of time together, with the girls and without.

It was awesome. I love this man, my best friend.

And here is a little picture of Hallie at the beach. I thought a silhouette would be a good way to not really show me all the way in a bathing suit. :) But still get a shot of my belly and capture Hallie's time with us at the beach. She was quite active, too.

Pregnancy Update - 22 weeks!

2011-08-23T00:50:00.003-04:00

This is a day late & short because I'm on vacation and just relaxing... :) Hope you are having a great week!

Baby is the size of: a spaghetti squash

Symptoms: Same as last week

Maternity clothes? I bought a couple of new little things last week. It's amazing how new clothes can make you feel better. (pregnant or not!)

Sleep: I pretty much have the sleep habits of a college student. Long nap when the girls nap, and go to bed way too late. (And this is before we got here to the beach.) I say that I should change my habits, but they pretty much rock right now. haha!

Fun moment(s) this past week: We had our first day at the beach yesterday. The morning was awesome; built sandcastles with the girls. Lots of naps, cuddles, night walks with my little brown berries.

Movement: Night and the morning is best, but I can feel her some during the day, too. I try to stay calm when I don't feel her when I purposely am staying still to do so. It's hard not to worry about that all the time. So I take every kick and spin as a sign that Hallie is happy in there and I actually smile everytime I feel her.

Food cravings: No big cravings. But that Mint Chocolate Klondike Bar I just ate was pretty awesome. I AM on vacation :)

Gender & Name: Girl! Hallie!! Story here.

Weight gained: 7 lbs. Ain't too bad, but tell me why I put this category in there again???

Belly Button in or out? no change. I may take this category out. I mean, do you really care?? haha! I don't!

What I am looking forward to: the rest of our week at the beach! Getting my white belly tan. I've been sporting a tankini all summer until now. I figure the beach is a good place to break the two pieces out. I don't know anyone. :) And... it's empty here! I guess since school has started back and stuff, we practically have the beach to ourselves!

Reflections on the past week: I have found myself a bit more concerned about wanting to feel Hallie kick at least at night and morning. I don't like getting up in the morning or going to sleep until I have felt her recently. Eager to learn more about her and see her again at our next ultrasound Monday.

Prayers for a sweet family

2011-08-17T22:57:00.000-04:00

I've connected with just a couple of other families in the U.S. who are going through a Trisomy 13 diagnosis at the same time as we are. We're all around the same stage in pregnancy with little girls. One of those women lost their babies this week; little Annalise Lily went to be with Jesus. I know she is surrounded by people that love her, and a great church family. But she's also hurting. Please pray for Miranda and her husband. Thanks, friends.

We have a name!

2011-08-16T11:45:00.003-04:00

I wasn't sure how to pick a name this time around (I usually think on names for quite a while and we have running lists). I wanted to have something with meaning, but also something I love and gives personality to our little girl. Sunday night, we started looking. We had a nice little list going of names to think about and some great meanings. Ones that meant gift, joyful, perfect, beautiful, etc. We were mostly searching by meaning instead of by name.

Then I remembered a name I've always liked that was probably on both the girls' choices of names. I looked it up and it meant "Praise to God." Um, I got teary eyed. Because I feel like this name has a meaning that we can say and mean it no matter what happens. If she were to come next week or be with us for a while we can still say, "praise to God!" Her name will be Hallie. (pronounced Hal-ee like Callie) It is also a short form for "Hallelujah."

So thank you for praying for our Hallie!!!!

Pregnancy Update - 21 weeks

2011-08-15T22:13:00.001-04:00

Baby is the size of: a banana

Symptoms: tiredness. Back is better this week. Pain & swelling in my pelvis (I had this with Farrah, too) I think it's just from my abs not picking up the slack and holding the baby up. That, plus I still pick up Farrah a good bit. And... my third baby in 4 years... :)

Maternity clothes? Half/half still. I have a pair of jeans I can still wear and the maternity jeans drive me crazy how you have to pull them up all the time. So... I still stick to dresses, skirts or Nike shorts! :) I love how pregnant women look "cute" and I don't feel there yet.

Sleep: Love it! This weekend was like all the stars aligned and we got tons of sleep & naps around here. Friday, I had a THREE hour nap! Of course.... I was wide awake at 2am, but that nap was awesome.

Fun moment(s) this past week: Our church opened up a new hall for the preschool age kids this week. We have soooo many kids! I volunteer during the week to help get curriculum ready, clean, etc and I just love it. I love our church for one. And secondly, it gives me an outlet to some great girls. And thirdly, I really like making copies. haha! Maybe it's the quietness. Or completing tasks without being interrupted and feeling accomplished. :) Anyhow, I was there a little more this week helping the amazing staff get everything ready. It is so cool to see how everything works behind the scenes. The additional space looks so great!

Movement: Lots of it. You can see her jumping around in my stomach most mornings. That always amazes me. This week, Chris and Bella were able to see it happening!

Food cravings: We've been eating healthy around here the past couple of weeks. We watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" and it inspired us (mostly Chris, which is great if you know the foods he likes!) He's been juicing for the whole family and we've made a few trips to the farmers market to try new things. (added tonight at 10:10 - don't even ask what fast food I'm eating right now!)

Gender & Name: We have a name!! We have a name!!! Post coming soon!

Weight gained: ?? Appt this week!

Belly Button in or out? Still chillin' inside.

What I am looking forward to: Beach Bummin' it!

Reflections on the past week: I don't know. I know from this blog it might be hard to tell, but I actually have a hard time talking about my feelings. This journey of course causes me to do that more. This week has been good (is it bad that I measure how good my week is by how many times I cry?) I don't know how else to measure how I'm doing. Because of course, I am never far from my real thoughts. I can't escape what is happening. But I also feel pretty well, and my pregnancy "feels" physically like my other two.
I don't know what is to come, but I have had a feeling this week that I'm going to see this pregnancy all the way through. I have no medical reasons to think this, I just can't imagine any other way than getting to see her.
There are some things that we also just have to face. Things that parents shouldn't have to do or think about. Like should I plan ahead for funeral, etc? I have no idea. She could certainly be with us for long after her birth. We have NO idea. That is what is SOOO HARD! But I also don't want to be caught having to make a decision with no research or planning behind it. I just don't want to face it, so I haven't done any of that yet.
ALSO... to make this post even longer :) ... Bella talks about "my baby sister" every day. I actually purposely don't bring it up. I just don't know how to handle it. Because I know her little heart won't really understand it all, but I also know she's pretty darn smart and will see her parents hurting at some point. I told her when we first found out we were pregnant that the baby would be here at Christmas (I'm due 12/26), but haven't brought it up since. But she talks about "This is where the baby will sleep at Christmas..." And at parties, she wants to get an extra party favor for her "baby sister." She even tells strangers at the pool that I'm pregnant which then strikes up conversation where I just grin and bear it. It's not that hard to do... and I really don't know any other way to go about it...
Anyhow, it's just those moments and those parenting moments that I know God will give us just enough Grace for when the time comes...

Jimmy Crack Corn

2011-08-15T00:09:00.001-04:00

Chris is so fun. He took some video of the girls eating corn on the cob for the first time. Put it to funny music. Hilarious!

Corn Girls from Chris Green on Vimeo.

Ryan & Melissa's Wedding Video

2011-08-12T10:08:00.006-04:00

Ryan & Melissa were married in March. I just love my brother, and I feel like Melissa has always been a sister. They are so sweet together and I couldn't be more happy for their happiness!

Dave Karger of Atlanta Cinematic did a great job with the video. We highly recommend!! (He also did their save the date video that you can see by clicking here)

Here is a highlight of their awesome rehearsal, wedding and reception. The girls were flower girls and Melissa found such cute dresses! We had so much fun; everything was just perfect.

Ryan & Melissa from David Karger on Vimeo.

Pregnancy Update - 20 weeks!

2011-08-08T14:30:00.002-04:00

Baby is the size of: a small cantaloupe

Symptoms: some heartburn at night

Maternity clothes? half & half. would love to freshen that wardrobe up. I think some new cute tops would be nice to have! I actually love summer and don't mind the heat (too much), but I am ready for some fall clothes!

Sleep: sleeping well. still laying on my tummy some. kinda on my tummy, but turned to a side. Either that or on my back. I toss and turn to get comfortable, but I think that's because our bedroom is 1000 degrees.

Fun moment(s) this past week: We attended two fun birthday parties this Saturday. One was a barn theme at my aunt's B&B for Abigail. Allison decorated so cute!! The farm animal cake pop's were just over the top cute! Later that evening, we went to Bella's friends Brooke & Bailey's swim party. It was fun - lots of our friends from church - Pizza, jumpy house (or "boppy" as Farrah calls it), pool, bubbles... We all slept well that night for sure!

Movement: feeling her move around a lot now! Chris was able to feel her this week as we were going to sleep. I know that makes things more personal for him, too. He said he'd like to write on here one day again soon. He used to write some on our old blog.

Food cravings: Not sure it's really a craving, but I have been loving Trader Joe's Lemonade & Tea. YUM!! I have to pace myself not to drink it all in a day :)

Gender & Name: Little girl still doesn't have a name. This week I'll start to look, I promise. :)

Weight gained: Not sure. Feeling like I'm doing ok though. Maybe I should get a belly picture going...

Belly Button in or out? No change

What I am looking forward to: We are going to the beach in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that!!!

Reflections on the past week: I feel like I've had a good handle on my emotions this week. I may have some cries, but I know it's also healthy (and normal!) and that my cries and prayers are heard by my loving Father in Heaven. He understands. I can have a cry, know it's normal, and not be in a funk for two days because of it. :) Even though I'm sure that's still bound to happen. But I have felt good this week.
I guess a good word is I have felt secure. Secure in my marriage - knowing I can just bury my head in Chris' chest and cry and he will just hold me. Secure in God's word that says everything works for the good of those who love the Lord.
Crazy that I'm "halfway there" in this pregnancy. I feel like it's gone fast, even with everything going on. I'm feeling her more & more and trying to just enjoy this time we have together.

Rain, Rain, Will You Stay?

2011-08-05T13:12:00.000-04:00

We went on a family walk one night this week. It was hot & muggy and NO breeze. The actual act of swinging the girls at the playground made a tiny breeze - that was it. We took some pictures on the way there in the park...

Ummmm... she sat like this on her own. How old are you??

As we were out, a big cloud rolled in. Chris ran home with the stroller as not to get the camera wet. I walked & just soaked it in. It felt so nice.
But then... the rain came harder as we got up on our porch. So we all sat and enjoyed the late afternoon summer storm.

And look what came out to play.... Farrah's curls!!!! Crazy how much it curled up in the humidity!!

And Chris captured her curiosity so well. He says it's one of his favorite pictures ever. I have to agree:

Gwinnett Braves Game

2011-08-04T08:00:00.002-04:00

These pics are from the Gwinnett Braves game we attended for Dave O's surprise 30th.

I honestly saw ZERO baseball. We were too busy chasing this crazy around....

This was cracking me UP! Farrah would kamikaze down the hill. Stop, roll on her back, arch and give a smile, roll over, repeat... It may be hard to tell just how ridiculous it was; but funny.

This was the first time Bella has hit a ball off a tee. She did pretty well making contact...

And if she missed, she didn't see a problem with hitting it the other way towards the people standing in line...

I also was able to use their 4th of July outfits and claim to be team spirited :)

And, as always, I will end with something sweet about my husband. But oh my gosh, how HOT is he?!!? :)

Storytime/ Bedtime

2011-08-02T21:01:00.002-04:00

At night, we usually read a book or two. On this particular night, we were doing an "I Spy" Book. It is fun because Bella can look for things, and Farrah can practice saying all kinds of everyday words.

Here... Bella says, "Farrah! You cannot talk when I am talking!"

Then, this is a second later ... (slap!)

So we move on to "I'm a little tea pot"

I have such sweet kids. :) And I have a great husband who goes and grabs a camera anytime he sees a cool, or even everyday, moment. One of the million reasons I love him. (And yes, it is every night that Bella refuses to wear PJs to bed).

And look at the precious baby:

Pregnancy Update - 19 weeks

2011-08-01T23:06:00.001-04:00

This sweet profile pic is from today's ultrasound appt with the specialist. No big changes or news. We could tell that she does have a cleft palate (which seems a minor concern to me, but I guess it's good to know), the middle of her heart is not formed (which can happen in a typical pregnancy, too, it's just that combined with the chromosomal abnormality that makes it more of an issue), and she's measuring just a tad behind (18w2days) which is normal in our situation. She's about 8 ounces now.

We did see that the feet are forming fine (no club feet), her brain looks ok, her eyes have formed (some T13 babies may be born with one or not be born with them at all), and she was SOOO active! And we even got a picture of her holding on to the umbilical cord. It's crazy because with the untrained eye, she looks perfect. Just perfect. And she is to God. We already love her so much.

Baby is the size of: an heirloom tomato

Symptoms: Overall feeling good.

Maternity clothes? In some. I wear tank tops a lot. And still prefer dresses to anything else.

Sleep: Love it. Couldn't get enough this weekend!

Fun moment(s) this past week: Our house was painted. I love it!

Movement: Feeling little kicks & movements when I lay down at night. I have only felt her kick once or twice during the day when I am busy moving around. Bella & Farrah spent the night at GG's one night this week. When they got home, we immediately cuddled on the couch, one girl on each side. Then the baby kicked. It was like she knew they were home. It was kinda surreal. I didn't say anything right away to anyone, just had to think on that one. :)

Food cravings:: No huge cravings. I just feel like I have a license to eat whatever I want. Which isn't necessarily good.

Gender & Name: No names discussed yet. I have one that has been floating around in my head for a few weeks, but still thinking about it. Chris told the ultrasound tech today that we were "going to pick a name with meaning. Kinda like Native Americans. Maybe we'll name her Chief Running Bear."

Weight gained: ? Next appt on the 18th.

Belly Button in or out? No change this week.

What I am looking forward to: Hmmmm.... not sure. Maybe a slower week? Last week was crazy with the house painting and busy go-go-go weekend. I think we all need to catch up on sleep!
I've also started "Heaven is for Real". I don't read a lot at all, but I have a hard time putting this book down. So, I look forward to reading and getting good sleep this week. Lame-o!

Reflections on the past week: I had a harder weekend than week. I've realized that it's the smaller stuff that gets to me. Like my plate is full and I can't handle much else. Sometimes that comes in the form of deciding what to make for dinner or the plan for my day. Other times it's not enough sleep. Or just a kink in my day. So I am trying to learn how to cope with that stress/grief in a healthy way. I don't want to close down all the time; but sometimes that's exactly what I want to do. I don't want to be super impatient with my kids; but I know that they are at a hard age and it's bound to happen anyways! I've learned how to apologize to Bella. It's a good lesson for both of us :) This week I've learned that being too busy can be stressful - I like my kids being on a schedule and I pushed them a little too much this past week. It's not good when none of us get sleep.

I get messages on Facebook and emails, texts, and voicemails from many of you. Thank you. I am sorry if I'm slow to respond. I was reminded in one of these messages of something very important: all of our kids are on loan from our Heavenly Father. It is great that He shares these great blessings with us. So we will love baby girl #3 (name needs to come soon!) as long as she's with us. And we are thankful for the lessons of love, faith, mercy and MANY others that she is teaching us with her little life.

House Painting!!

2011-07-31T21:23:00.003-04:00

Again, the before:

And after!

We love it!! Feels like a new home every time we drive up.

14 months later

2011-07-30T22:41:00.000-04:00

Seriously... they grow FAST!! This is Bella & Farrah with their friend Amelie. Sitting in the same lawn - May of last year vs. this weekend. Crazy.

Pregnancy Update - 18 weeks

2011-07-25T23:34:00.001-04:00

Baby is the size of: a sweet potato

Symptoms: Sciatic nerve may bother me every once in a while, but overall feeling good!

Maternity clothes? blah. I don't know why, but I'm just not looking forward to maternity clothes this time around. Maybe it's because of my situation, and having people look at my belly and it's just a reminder to me... or maybe it's because everything seems stretched out and too big right now? I don't know! But I can't fit into my regular shorts without doing the rubber band trick around the button - so I have been sticking to dresses (which I love in the summer!) or workout pants/shorts with a tank top. I don't have to get "dressed up" too often to go anywhere - mostly just weekends. So I stick to dresses then.

Sleep: Love it.

Fun moment(s) this past week: I went to dinner with a group of good friends from high school. This is embarrassing, but we called ourselves the Spice Girls. Not that anyone else knew that? I don't know. But it came from our halloween costume our senior year - we all dressed as a "spice" (salt, paprika, etc.) and we were the "Spice Girls". Anyhow... we caught up at dinner this week and that was fun!

Also, we celebrated one of my BEST friends birthdays! Morgan turned 30 earlier this month. We went to a cool place called Ormsby's and even played a little ski ball and bocce ball there! Afterwards we came back to our house and did dessert. It was fun to have good friends around and I hope Morgan had a great time. She's starting off her 30th with a bang next month with a new job and I am so excited for her!

Movement: Feeling little flutters if I am super still in the morning or at night. :) But I have to make a good effort to be still, not fall asleep, and feel them. I like it, but it is surreal, too. Not really sad, but it's just a totally different feeling this time. Not sure how to put words with that.

Food cravings:: No huge cravings. But I have a big sweet tooth.

Gender & Name: Still putting off picking a name.

Weight gained: blah. i don't know! Of course I don't want to gain 200 lbs but I also am not as worried as with Bella and Farrah. Just not on my radar as much.

Belly Button in or out? Same. Still in, but I can see the back of it :)

What I am looking forward to: Our house is getting painted this week. I can't wait to see the finished product!! It was pressure washed today. It will be the "Green" house by the end of the week!

And if you look a little closer in that pic... you may see Farrah...

Reflections on the past week: No big or wise statements this week. I think I kept myself really busy getting ready for the weekend festivities and house projects. I have found this week that I dealt with things mostly by just not dealing with it. To just not think about bad things. Not in denial, but just living day by day and not going "there". I think the bad or worried thoughts I have come out in my dreams - I've been having a few bad ones lately.

What time do your kids wake up?

2011-07-23T21:52:00.001-04:00

Mine are about a 7:30-8am wake up call. I know that's not terrible... but we are night owls big time, so 7:30 is never fun. I usually get up with them, with Chris getting up around the same time to get ready for work. Weekends we try to switch off, so the other can sleep just a little longer. These were taken well over a month ago of Farrah (or Farrah Beara which is my nickname for her, or Farrah B is what Bella calls her as a nickname). They are from a morning Chris got up with the girls. (which makes me in such a good mood. I love to wake up on my own to the smell of coffee!) :)

So, when do your kiddos wake up?? Do you wake up before them to get the day started, or do you let them be the alarm clock?

New Pregnancy Update - 17 weeks

2011-07-18T23:13:00.001-04:00

So.. I am back with my pregnancy updates! I stopped after the 13th week. But I've decided that I'd like to have some normalcy to this pregnancy, and I'm still carrying a precious girl that I'd like to update about. I did edit and take out some categories and added a couple. I feel like I could still have another category or two that could apply to my new situation, but I'm drawing a blank. Let me know if you think of something good I could add to update each week!

Baby is the size of: an onion

Symptoms: Sciatic nerve started acting up a couple of nights this week.

Maternity clothes? i've worn a couple of shirts, but I haven't broken them out totally. still fittin' in my pants, although I know I totally have a little belly now. just holding on before i start wearing those maternity clothes for what feels like forever. I think I may invest in a couple of new things this time around. (This is the week I bought my first maternity shirt with Bella!)

Sleep:I try to catch a nap when the girls nap. I've also noticed that I've been a much lighter sleeper. Or, I should say, I have a hard time going back to sleep each time I have to get up and empty the pregnancy bladder.

Fun moment(s) this past week: We went to our first Gwinnett Braves game. It was for Dave Odom's surprise 30th party that Amanda planned so well. It was unseasonably cool (kinda even cold!) and we had fun in the lawn seats chasing Farrah down the hill 100 times. Morgan, Kelly, Bobby, Chris & I and all of our kids ate mexican beforehand, and I couldn't get enough cheese dip. Cheese dip can be on a fun moment of the week, right? :)

Movement: There have been a couple of times that I have questioned it - this morning as I was laying in bed, I felt something... but wasn't 100%. (I just looked and started feeling Farrah at 16 weeks, so it might be flutters I feel!)

Food cravings:: Caffeine? Fruit of any kind.

Gender & Name: Most of you know we were going to be surprised at birth this time around. I was looking forward to that. But once we knew what we were facing, we wanted to know the gender. A sweet baby girl. Now, we're started to think about picking a name. Not an easy task ever, but feeling it's much harder this time.

Weight gained: I took this one out at first because I generally don't care as much this time. Not that I don't care, but I guess I have other things on my mind. But I would like to look back and remember. At my 16w appt last week, I had gained a total of 4 lbs this pregnancy. It felt like more, so that was good to know.

Belly Button in or out? In. But I can see the back of my bellybutton. (Does that make sense?) I looked back at Bella's baby book tonight, and noticed that this happened around the same time with her.

What I am looking forward to: A dinner with old friends tomorrow and celebrating one of my best friend's Morgan's 30th this weekend!

Reflections on the past week: I'm not repressing grief, but I also am waking up and CHOOSING to live my day joyfully. To make an effort not to let the little things stress me out. Starting to look forward to the little kicks and flutters so that I may have a closer connection with her.

Some favorite iPhone pics this week:

Hard days & God's Mercy

2011-07-14T22:05:00.003-04:00

I had my first appointment (16 week appointment) with my regular OBGYN doctors today since the diagnosis. Baby Girl's heartbeat was nice & strong. I actually had the appt with the doctor who delivered Bella. My practice has 6 women, and any of the 6 could be the delivery doctor. She had been filled in with the specialists findings and it was basically just a time for me to ask questions. I didn't have tons, just two really. One was "How often have y'all delivered a baby with Trisomy?" I knew it wouldn't be tons, but I was super surprised that she said, "Well, a couple of YEARS ago we had a girl who decided to carry the baby to term and made it to birth..." A couple of YEARS ago??? That is crazy to me. This is a huge, busy practice. I know that Trisomy is 1) rare 2) some decide to terminate the pregnancy and 3) many don't make it full term - but WOW.

Which leads me to the title of my blog tonight. I had a couple of hard days this week. I found myself, for the first time really, asking "Why ME??" Not that I'd EVER wish it on anyone... but why me? I know that may never be answered. But that on top of the worry of it all got a hold of me this week. I just didn't see how I was going to find joy in this pregnancy. How was I ever going to NOT think about my situation? It's on my mind 24/7. I was short with people around me, and I just wanted to sleep it away. "Wake me up next year," I thought. Though I know staying "busy" is a good way to keep my mind off of it, I also wasn't in the mood to be around anyone else. I was fine with the girls, but night time was hard after the day of worry had taken it's toll on me. (And don't worry a bit if you feel bad for not checking in on me. I'm more than likely to act like nothing is wrong anyway... I'm tricky like that :))

A blog of a husband & wife who went through this a couple of years ago has been so helpful. They reminded me that this is God's purpose in this little girl, no matter how long or short. I want to celebrate that, no matter how hard.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

I love this verse and the promise it contains! The last few words could be translated, "...and find grace for a well-timed help." God's grace comes to us just when we need it, not before and never too late. That is why Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own, but God is already there and His mercies are new every morning, just when we need them. So how do we look into an utterly unpredictable future with, most likely, a great deal of grief and loss in it without becoming morose, self-centered, and depressed? How do we go on loving other people when we are scared and our hearts are grieving over what is to come? We preach Hebrews 4:16 to ourselves every day and fight the fight of faith in God's goodness and love for us. We approach the throne of grace with confidence! His grace will be sufficient and we can even rejoice in our sufferings because we have such and amazing God who will meet our needs at exactly the best moments.

That paragraph above is taken from their blog. Because I can't write that good, and I'm not good at paraphrasing. (Never have been, ask my parents and those darn book reports they helped me with.) And I think they said it just perfectly. I can't do this on my own, and God knows that. So why not just receive the mercy he's giving me?

So the past two days have been better. I know I'll have dark days in the future, but I also can come out of them confidently knowing I'm not alone and CHOOSE to see God's blessing in all of this.

Mommy, Pool?

2011-07-12T23:08:00.002-04:00

Farrah loves the pool. She says "POOL!" to anything associated with it - swimsuits at the house, a bag that I might have taken to the pool once, towels... etc.

Farrah also refuses to wear any ol' pool hat. She will, however, wear this one all the time at home. So, I went with it and we use it in the water, too. It works great. Who knew? Target $1 Easter Hat from 3 years ago.

She's always ready for the pool!

Here's Bella in the same hat in 2009!

From Bella

Our Saturday

2011-07-11T15:12:00.000-04:00

This past weekend, we went to Jefferson to see GG and Poppy & Uncle Brian. We had a great time at the pool. We also noticed a baby bird while we were there. Later on, we looked up to see that he was hanging upside down - and he was stuck in his nest!! Brian and I got a towel and made a kind of trampoline for him to fall on. haha! But he wasn't budging. Then Chris took the pool net skimmer thing and got him down. We found some sissors in a first aid kit and the pool. I was able to hold him and cut it away from his mangled foot. I'm sure he'll never use that foot, but he was able to fly away! And we then saw him meet up with his mama bird.

Anyhow... we had a great time jumping in and goofing off at the pool. Poor Chris the cameraman is in none of these pictures. But thanks for taking them, sweetie!! :)

She's so adorable!

GG & Poppy

Uncle Brian

Bathing Beauties

Check up on Baby Girl

2011-07-08T22:44:00.003-04:00

"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
Psalm 30:5

We had an ultrasound today with the prenatal specialist to check on the baby. It's hard for me to know how much to write here! I want everyone to know what is going on... because 1) I know people are concerned (I've been in that boat!) 2) I want people to know how to pray and 3) if we do make it full-term, or even if we don't, I'd love for my blog to help someone in the future dealing with Trisomy 13. I know how much reading these similar blogs has helped me in the last couple of weeks. It's nice to read them and be like "Yes! That's exactly how I feel!!!" Because as helpful as the doctors want to be, they haven't been through this. Don't get me wrong, they are great.

But it's also hard to write and put all my true feelings out there. They can change so fast! I know my writings are kind of stream of consciousness, but I don't know how to get it all out there! I do want you all to know that we have MANY more good hours than bad hours. The harder times are:
1) At night when it's quiet and you sit and dwell on it or when falling asleep
2) The ultrasounds are hard (not so much the actual ultrasounds, but afterwards) because what Chris and I see is a perfect baby. And knowing that the doctors, as much as they would like to, can't tell us what the next day will bring.

So please know that YOUR prayers are something we've taken great comfort in.

I am literally having to learn to take it one day at a time - there isn't another way, really - and it's helped a lot. I'm kind of a wake-up-and-figure-out-my-day kinda girl anyways, but this is at a whole new level!

It is sad not to look forward to an ultrasound in the way you do with a typical pregnancy. But overall, I was eager to see her again and anxious to see if there were any new developments. (For those of you who have asked... we had a diagnostic test done - meaning they took DNA from my placenta - so there's no mistaking what the baby has). The only question that will remain is how severe will it be on the different organs (heart, lungs, etc.). She does in fact have a heart defect (we should see all 4 chambers of the heart, but the middle is not forming correctly). The doctor also suspects a cleft palate, which is a typical marker of Trisomy 13. The fluid behind her neck is less than it was 2 weeks ago, which is a sign that the baby isn't under as much stress. The doctor's educated guess after seeing things is that I have a 50-70% chance of losing her before birth. But to turn it around, that also means a 30-50% chance of a live birth. So really, to me, there is no telling!

The nice part about the ultrasounds, to look for a positive, is that it is LONG! So we get to see her for a good 30 minutes! Fingers, toes, sweet profile. I asked a million times for a picture because the most clear one I have so far is from 10 weeks. They printed two off... and they were not much better. Next time, I WILL get a GOOD ONE.

Thanks for your continued prayers. I know as a mom/friend/parent reading this and thinking about us is upsetting to you, too. So thanks for helping carry our load with your prayers, concerns and friendship.

Book recommendation

2011-07-07T16:28:00.004-04:00

My best friend Kristy lives up the street from me. How great for us. We both have two girls that love each other. And we've known each other since middle school, so we get each other. We roomed together all through college. So she's seen all sides of me (haha - thinking about the time my sports bra got stuck on my earring. I tried to hide and do it myself, but I ended up having to get her to help me get it over my head. How humbling...) haha! And now we get to live so close to each other. She is so helpful and watched Farrah for me for the month of June so Bella and I could enjoy swim lessons together. I'm so thankful she is my long time friend and neighbor!!

Kristy's husband, Russ, just published his first book! How cool is that?? It was just released from Tyndale House Publishers as an e-book on July 1st. It's called 40 Days without Food: Divine Goodness to a Starving Soul By Russ Masterson

It is available on the Kindle, Nook, and iPad (via the free Kindle app for iPad). Below is a book summary or jump to his site for details and stuff: www.russmasterson.com.

“I had a college degree, and soon a seminary degree to accompany it, yet I didn’t know where to go or what to do.” Russ Masterson had read and heard about purpose, but didn’t have a clue what his own purpose was. And there was emptiness where there should have been value. As he puts it, “I kept hoping a step would arrive when it was time to lift my foot.”

Disillusioned with his life, as well as with God, he heard this advice: fast from food for 40 days. Faithless and frazzled, Russ accepted the challenge, hoping for direction, reflecting on the past, and wrestling with issues like purpose, faith, and love.
In this book, readers will find a fresh literary voice — an insightful thinker who meets people in their humanity while helping them to see they can be rescued from it. The journey of these forty days without food will help you explore what really matters in life.

July 4th

2011-07-06T13:48:00.003-04:00

We had a fun, busy 4th of July weekend. Chris took Bella to see her first movie in a theater on Friday. We spent Saturday at Ryan & Melissa's neighborhood swimming, then seeing fireworks at night. Sunday after church we drove to Athens to visit with our good friends, spent the night, then to Lawrenceville Monday to see family. A hockey tournament on a slip n' slide happened as I cat-napped on the couch. But Chris took some pictures & video I'll post later!

He took some great shots on Saturday. I love my husband. And we enjoyed celebrating our country's independence with lots of swimming, sweating, chasing Farrah all over WORLD, dancing and fireworks! Enjoy the pics!

Farrah Cheese

Thank you!

2011-07-04T23:59:00.001-04:00

Thank you ALL for the prayers, emails, texts, comments, etc. We feel so loved. We are thankful we're not alone in all of this.

One thing I have not yet shared here is that baby Green is a GIRL! Not quite the way we planned on finding out (we were going to be surprised at birth this time around!) but after getting the news, we wanted to know. We feel a little more close to her in that way now. We can pray for her even more personally. It was tough to know as well, because you know how much I love my little girls :)

The hard part (or A hard part) for me right now is the not knowing how long I will carry her ... the anxiety and questions can drive you nuts. I worry that as time goes on, the anxiety will get worse & not better. My stomach is starting to poke. I am sure soon I will start feeling her kicks. At that point, I will no doubt want to meet her - if only for a brief moment in time.

I have to remind myself: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

So I also find that keeping myself busy is good. We loved getting away to the beach last weekend with my brother Ryan and sister-in-law Melissa and her mom and stepdad (Amanda and Doug). And we had a super filled weekend for the 4th of July. Thankful for that.

A crazy thing is that I have followed a FEW blogs in the last 3 years with moms (and dads) writing about this VERY thing - Trisomy 13 or 18. I have read as women go through this. I would weep. Why couldn't I just read blogs about decorating or organizing or something?? But I couldn't help feeling for them & wondering if I'd have the same strength. I've watched as others have gone through other heart breaking struggles. How did they get through this? I've always admired them, and been thankful for my healthy "uneventful" life. But it's never been a club I wished to join.

But I also know that in a strange way, seeing others go through this VERY thing has prepared me some - well, maybe not prepared... but given me a light at the end of the tunnel. Or a source to look back at. I know in my heart, it will be terrible - but we will get through it. But how do I also go through a trial being joyful? How will I possibly go through a whole pregnancy, knowing it won't have a "normal" outcome, and be joyful? That is something I want to learn all about. I'm not there yet. But I know MY God is not surprised by any of this. He already has this baby girl's days numbered as well as my own.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. – James 1:2-3

Here is our specific prayer right now, and we'd love for you to join with us:
God, give us more hours of joy than pain. Allow us to turn the corner of sorrow, to celebration. Cause us to see her as a gift. And allow us to cherish every moment she’s with us. Change our hearts.

Our baby is 1 in 10,000

2011-06-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

Hmmmmm...

Where to start? I've tried to write this a few times, but I like the way Chris wrote it to his team at work. So I tweaked it just a little...

As some of you may know, the week has been challenging. Last Thursday morning, I had an ultrasound which my sister and Chris were able to attend with me! Everything looked normal (to us) until the doctor came in later and told me that she was concerned about fluid/cyst on the back of the baby. I tried to collect myself and stay calm as I called Chris to come back to the hospital (they had left because we all thought things were fine and thought I just had my normal mtg with the doc afterwards).

We went to a specialist for an appt about an hour later (great that they get you in so fast with all these specialists!!) Basically we learned that our baby (14 weeks along) had some very serious markers for chromosomal abnormalities...like Down Syndrome or some others. Our baby's measurements were on the bad side of bad, and I went in for a procedure on Friday to do some more specific testing, with the results coming back on Monday sometime. After watching me go through this, Chris told me we were leaving in an hour to go to the beach...and we did. We headed down to Sandestin Friday afternoon, leaving the kids with his parents, and tried to keep our minds off of everything. That was a great move.

On our way home Monday afternoon, the doctor called to tell us our baby has Trisomy 13. This was devastating news, as Trisomy 13 is a somewhat rare diagnosis that means that if our baby makes it to childbirth, it will only live hours, days, weeks, or in rare cases...months. 1 in 10,000 live births are Trisomy 13. I can tell you on this side of things...the anxiety of not knowing is worse (or at least different) than knowing. Yesterday, we met with a genetic counselor (who knew they even existed?!?), and got even more information on things. It helped us prepare a lot. Where do we go from here? We just wait. We have a team of doctors watching our case closely, and making sure the baby and I are as comfortable as possible. The doctors have been incredible to us.

We have our fair share of tears, but I can honestly and confidently say...we're ok. A week in... and we're not GREAT and acting like nothing is the matter. But we know God has a plan to prosper our faith, no matter how tough this process is going to be on us. In a weird way, we're honored to experience this trial, as we know that we will grow deeper and stronger in our faith in God. It's also created an immense appreciation for our two little girls, Bella and Farrah. And each other.

We never really understood what the "roller coaster" of emotions was like...until now. We are learning that there is a lot we have never understood - and will have to go through during this life change. The multitude of things that "could" happen can absorb every thought. But, this moment in our lives is also a good reminder to look over and see the two beautiful girls we have, and know that our God is faithful, no matter what.

We are doing good, overall. But we would love to have your prayers. This is not something I would choose to go through (duh), but if we are going to go through it, we're giving it our all.

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

When the squealing gets too high pitched...

2011-06-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

... we ask for the "silent scream"

LOVE THESE!

Farrah Doing her Flex Pose from Chris Green on Vimeo.

Farrah and Bella Dancing from Chris Green on Vimeo.

Gone Fishin'

2011-06-23T08:00:00.001-04:00

About two weeks ago, Bella & Farrah's GG and Poppy took them to a family birthday party. The house was on Lake Sinclair. On the way down, Poppy stopped and bought the girls Barbie fishing poles. It has a fish on the end to weigh the line down and Bella is pretty darn good at casting the line!

While they were there, her line got tangled and Poppy gave her his fishing pole to reel in. On the way in, she caught this!

The girls like to "fish" in the front yard. These pictures were at like 8:30 one morning last week. Fishing in our PJ's. I'm sure we were a cute sight to drive by and see... :)

I love these two! I mean, are these not the days of making memories or what? Drinking coffee watching my kids fake fish in the yard in their PJ's. Ha! Thanks GG and Poppy for the fun toys!

Farrah in Timeout

2011-06-22T08:00:00.002-04:00

Still working with Farrah on timeout. She loves to push Bella and pull her hair. We feel like she knows it's bad at this point. She feeds off the reaction of Bella which is usually "MOMMY" being screamed. Bella tries to be patient but she's starting to fight back. I'm trying to remind Bella that she needs to remove herself from the situation (instead of just sitting there taking pulls and pushes over and over while screaming my name). This is really our biggest battle right now.

So Farrah thinks it's cute, and timeout is almost fun for her. I'm trying to just be consistent and hope she doesn't like going there soon. I'm also started using words like, "that's bad" instead of "NO!" all the time (because I feel like I'll start sounding like white noise because I say it so much!) I also know that she's going through the stage of testing limits and also just likes the reaction of Bella rather than actually hurting her.

Anyhow, this is a cute video of her walking to her most used timeout corner. This is about day #2 on timeout. We're getting better... haha. It's also hard to not smile and her cute face... but gotta get her to stop this. She's not doing it at school, so she knows better! She keeps us busy!!

Farrah Going to Timeout - 19 Months from Chris Green on Vimeo.

Letters

2011-06-21T09:00:00.002-04:00

Bella has been VERY into letters lately. In two ways. She loves to make people letters/cards and put them in envelopes. I have a huge box of them left over from Christmas cards. She'll write a letter, fold it up and loves to lick and stick down the flap.

She also has been writing bunches. She asks me all day how to spell things and she writes them out. From "Happy Fathers Day" to "Happy Birthday Josie" and she now knows how to spell her and Farrah's full name by herself.

So we have been practicing letters.

Friday morning the girls woke up EARLY and Chris let me sleep in while he worked with her on D's, P's, S's and X's. And of course took some great shots. :)

And I love this one of Farrah's hand on Bella:

There are papers all over the house. They all have "BELLAFARRAHMOMMYDADDY" written on them. :)

Pregnancy Update - 13 weeks

2011-06-20T09:25:00.002-04:00

Baby is the size of: a medium shrimp

Symptoms: still get tired, but better than the first trimester.

Baby-related purchases? diapers for my baby, Farrah :)

Maternity clothes? not yet. getting closer. I am eating so bad. I know I shouldn't but it hasn't stopped me. Somebody stop me!!!!

Sleep: Still love naps. But I'm not dying if I don't get one now. I'm trying to reach deep for my inner superwoman powers and get stuff done around here! We are still trying to get down the road of getting our house listed... so I need some of those powers :)

Fun moment(s) this past week: I got to tag along with Chris as he was working at our Married Life Live conference at church Friday night. Ted Cunningham and Gary Smalley spoke. It was fun to get away and focus on marriage. We sat at a fun table with Sherri & John and Jill & Andy. AND - Sunday we were able to celebrate how good of a Daddy Chris is! I made one of his favorite meals - mashed potatoes, okra and cubed steak with some chocolate cupcakes. His parents are the best at this meal! I'm learning and man i love fried okra!! :)

Movement: not yet. i feel my tummy stretching every once in a while.

Food cravings: Anything. See above. :)

Gender: Talking about not finding out more & more. Had a fun realization that the baby will probably be here the week before Christmas (my doc will probably let me get induced a week early again if baby is big and lookin' good because it was perfect last time doing that!) And that will give people time to get baby #3 a Christmas present (boy clothes if it's a boy! :) ) Or we'll be set if it's a girl!! :)

Belly Button in or out? In. It better be. haha!

What I miss: Nothing really. Just in that weird stage of starting to poke out and having a muffin top. Well, I kinda always feel like I have a muffin top, haha, but now it's harder to suck in. :)

Milestones: Into my second trimester!

Stretch marks: i hope not yet! haha

Weight gained: I don't have a scale. (We left it at my parents and I think I'll leave it there as long as possible.) Or maybe I should get it to help with the said eating problem...

What I am looking forward to: my ultrasound this week!

Weekly Wisdom: At the marriage conference - keeping "Value" as high as possible on each family member and "Anger" always as low as possible.

Grandy Dresses

2011-06-16T20:38:00.002-04:00

My Grandmother, the girls Great-Grandmother aka "Grandy", bought these dresses for the girls around Easter. I just put them in the dresses this past weekend, and OH MY GOSH. i think this is my favorite dress ever on Farrah. Just so adorable.

Grandparents are so great. :)

My secondborn

2011-06-15T09:00:00.002-04:00

Your beautiful blue eyes get me every time.

Your deep laugh is contagious. You don't let the fact that you are second child overshadow your big personality!

You catch on to new things so fast. And then, you want to do it independently.

You are at a fun & cute age- even your timeouts are adorable. You are goofy and love making us laugh with your funny behavior.

Your sweet hair is growing fast now, with little curls in the back that curl up more in the sweaty sun.

Your favorite sayings right now are: "Yo Yo" (yougurt), "Why?" and "What's that?"

You bring so much joy to my heart and this family. I love you!

My firstborn

2011-06-14T09:00:00.000-04:00

You are so loving and concerned about others.

You are beautiful inside and out.

You are amazingly smart & whitty beyond your age.

You are curious and have a wonderful imagination.

You are goofy and fun to be around.

I love you so much, and you'll always be my baby.

Pregnancy Highlights: 12 weeks

2011-06-13T08:00:00.002-04:00

Baby is the size of: a lime!

Symptoms: just tired! blessed i don't get sick.

Baby-related purchases? nope!

Maternity clothes? not yet. got the box out of the attic to do inventory. I like to stay in regular clothes as long as possible because I feel by the end I've worn those clothes so much!

Sleep: Napping everyday in the middle of the day when I can. On a bad routine of going to bed too late, napping... repeat. But I love the naps.

Fun moment this past week: My friend Gilly came to visit!

Movement: not yet. i get some stretch pains every once in a while.

Food cravings: Sugar. Anything. I feel like my appetite is pretty big.

Gender: ?? Thinking of not finding out this time!!! Can I do it?? I think I can! And can I talk Chris into it?

Belly Button in or out? In. It better be. haha!

What I miss: Taqueria Del Sol Margarita

Milestones: Almost through my first trimester!

Stretch marks: i hope not yet! haha

Weight gained: I don't have a scale. Guess I'll find out on the 23rd at my next appt & ultrasound.

What I am looking forward to: my next ultrasound & the beach at some point this summer.

Weekly Wisdom: Great message at church Sunday. SOOO many things I could quote on the message about fear & anxiety. "We fear because we are fighting for control of our lives." "Fear usually doesn’t make you stop believing IN God. It simply makes you stop believing God." We're in a great series of "Amazing Stories" and looking back at "kid stories" like David & Goliath and how truly amazing they are.

Bikes and Daredevil

2011-06-11T20:59:00.002-04:00

These were taken about a month ago. We just found them on the camera.
We walked down to the end of our street where there is an old fountain (and possibly an old entrance to the zoo?) It's sort of abandoned and cool looking. It has a little turn around, perfect for little bike riding :) We went after dinner one night to get some energy out of two little girls...

Have I said before that Farrah is our little daredevil?

I LOVE this pic! This is an often used expression of hers...

pretty one of Bella... secret... Chris was stick fighting with Bella to get her close and lots of fun shots

Seeing these pictures reminds me that we need to use this after dinner activity more! :)

Summer Time = pool

2011-06-07T22:24:00.001-04:00

It's HOT! In case you didn't know.

Going to the pool is quite the adventure (especially by myself - not sure if I'll do that again) with 2 kids. Farrah has NO FEAR as usual and it's funny that the lifeguards think that blowing their whistle is going to keep her from running. Straight to the deep end. So I chase her and Bella worries that I'm leaving her half the time. If the whistle worked, you better believe I'd be wearing one around my neck 24/7.

That also happened to be the Memorial Day Opening for our pool. I probably should have reconsidered going when I had to park at Kristy's and looked down to see this:

But how do you turn around in 100 degrees with two kids with their suits on? You can't. And, I was dying to get in, too.

The next time we went, we went as a family at night. Dad picked up a pizza and we ate at the pool and then swam around. It was wonderful!

Bella and I started swim lessons for her last week. I gotta get her comfortable going under.

Then TODAY, I tried out a new splash park around us. It's a whole new park, actually. It was great! The girls would get a little wet, then run to a playground, get hot, and run back to the water. Farrah didn't love the water splashing in her face, and she really just likes the thrill of running and me chasing her. But overall, it was a great new find for us for something to do (and super close to the house), not crowded at all, and just nice. I hope it stays nice! :)

And, we've been playing in the sprinkler a lot too :)

What have you been doing to stay cool? :)

News in our world...

2011-06-03T13:02:00.004-04:00

And Bella will be a proud sister again :)

Dad and his girls

And our future little one. Due DEC 26th!!! Will probably induce a week early again, doctor says. Yippee!

For those of ya keeping track, that's an October, November and December baby. I left the doctor of course being overjoyed, but a huge feeling of just being blessed.

Garden progress

2011-06-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

Since I know you are just dying to see how my garden and Chris' grass are going :)....

I have a Bell Pepper!! And a few more about to pop! I have no idea when to pick it. It grows more and more every day!

I could be wrong, but I think I'm going to have an abundance of cherry tomatoes. I can't wait! It has grown so tall and has buds all over it.

So my container garden is going well. Except for the bird or squirrel that keeps eating my ripe strawberries. And for one of the herbs that fell over in a storm. My other ones are doing great :)

And I think my Big Boy Tomatoes in the ground will do well, too. I cannot wait for some tomato sandwiches on white bread!!!

Chris' grass is AWESOME. Soft. We got a "reel" mower. So no gasoline. It makes no noise and isn't smelly! For some reason I am fascinated by it. Farrah, on the other hand, will lay down and the grass and scream if it's anywhere near her. It does require a lot more cutting with this grass, but Chris is enjoying it!

Genesis 1:1

2011-05-25T20:20:00.000-04:00

This is one of the MANY reasons I love my church.

Bella knows God made her, God loves her, and Jesus wants to be her friend forever.